Friday, September 16, 2011

Marriage Isn't Easy!

These last two weeks have been very challenging in our house.  Evan has been working ridiculously long hours and I have felt stressed doing the rest.  It's a challenge to manage everything while keeping smiles on our faces.

I think I should preface this post with saying that I don't really know how I'm going to write it, nor do I want anything to think that Evan and I are having marital problems!  We are not!  We are simply having to learn how to adjust to this life ... this life where Evan is VERY rarely home, where I am working long hours myself, and where I am quite frankly in charge of EVERYTHING else. 

 Evan and I have always handled stress brilliantly in our relationship.  We tackled both of us in law school and medical school, with my being pregnant, and six figures in debt without a shouting match ever.  But this lask week, it has been hard to keep a happy face on when he gets home because I am so unhappy with how little he is home and so unhappy with all the familial responsibilities that fall on my shoulder.  And I feel pretty stupid getting mad at him when he tells me about the day he has had: "well, I spent 3 hours suturing this guys head back together."  Seriously?  I don't think I have room to complain after that!  he is doing SO much good in this world, literally saving lives, and I am complaining because I have to do the grocery shopping every single time?  Someone (ME) needs to get off her high horse.

To make matters worse, when Evan DOES get home, he won't let me lift a finger. I know he feels horribly for being gone so long, but when I'm dealing with the stress that a home brings, and with a baby that gets quite fussy in the evenings, I can't help but think "GRRRR, why doesn't HE ever have to deal with any of this?  Why is it that I am the one that has to handle all the family and house situations?  Why does that responsibility so often fall to the female?"

  Evan is gone EXTREMELY early in the morning (by 4:30 at the latest) and works VERY LONG days.  In fact, MOST days, he doesn't even get to see Liliana which has been difficult for the both of us.  When he does get home, he tip toes in to her room and watches her sleep which simply breaks my heart.  On the days that he has seen her (which has never been for over an hour), he tells me things like "hey, she's saying no no no to everything now!"  And I don't MEAN to sound rude, but I tell him "yeah, she's been doing that for almost a week now."  When I say it, I don't realize how much that must hurt, but he brought that up the other night.  I had never realized how much that must sting.  For some fathers, that's not a big deal, but for a dad like Evan that has been beyond outstanding, I know he is missing his family. 

Let me give you a play by play of Wednesday night.  I have been pretty darn bogged down at work but took an hour out of my work day dealing with a health insurance bill that we got that has mistakes all over it.  I called a billion offices, got no where, and was incredibly frustrated.  I needed Evan to give me some information that I was unaware of and texted him.  I didn't hear back for over four hours, so naturally I was frustrated and he responds saying "I'm sorry, I was in a surgery for a lady that needed her leg cut off in an emergency surgery."  What the hell am I supposed to say to that?  I realize that when it comes down to it, he does have the more "high stress" and "important" job.  I also realize that this general surgery year is only going to be ONE year and we won't see the emergency surgeries nearly as much in Urology, but still, it gets old.  He did what he could to give me the information, but I am still, as I type this, no where with handling this bill.  And that responsibility, just like all others, fall to me.

After work, I get a quick work out in, go home and wait for an hour when I get the text I'm used to getting now "babe, I am so sorry but I have to stay here longer.  We haven't even started rounding on our patients.  I won't get to see her again.  I miss you two so much.  I am miserable.  I love you."

Well, I can't get mad at that right?  I mean, I know he doesn't WANT to be working this much.  I also know that this is how residency goes.  This is what EVERY SINGLE general surgery resident is going through.  But I also know that when I'm at home, it isn't easy!

At home, I make dinner, and then Liliana and I eat.  She gets extremely tired so I put her to bed, then I go downstairs, clean the kitchen, the house, start doing some laundry and eventually a very exhausted Evan comes home.

I try to do sweet things like make him his favorite brownies (which I did do this week and I plan on posting the recipe soon).  But I am so irritable and sad about the way the days have been going that unless he thanks me a trillion times over, I say he's not appreciating everything I do.

The truth of the matter?  We both aren't appreciating what the other person does enough.  We don't freaking HAVE TIME to appreciate it enough! 

Last night, he finally got home at a GREAT hour and only worked a 14 hour day (yes, that's a good day people).  He played with Liliana and our night together was fabulous. We for the first time in nearly 2 weeks got a chance to talk about things, our day, and eventually fell asleep at 9:30!  Lame right?  But it was nice.  It was nice just cuddling and falling asleep on the couch.  It was nice to get a glimpse of how life will be once again.

I don't really know how to FIX this residency, time, parenting, household responsibility dilemma that we have going here, and lord knows that I have been snappier and more irritable towards my husband in the last two weeks than I should be. I think, quite frankly, it's because I miss him.

PS I should also mention that this entire week I was/ am on my period.  TMI? Deal with it people!  I only have my period 3 times a year and it had to come this week, which definitely makes me pissy! Craps and bloating? Yuck.

For now though ... our solution?

Saturday, (as in tomorrow) Evan is off from work!  WOO HOO and bless the lord!  We are spending the entire day togehter as a FAMILY, going to a family reunion, and then in the late afternoon, Evan's aunt is taking Liliana so we can go to dinner and see a movie (the Help).  She's even keeping Liliana over night so we can have a nice night to ourselves.  I think it'll do us a world of good.  But then, come Monday it's starting ALL over again ... have I mentioned how excited I am for July 1, 2012?  We have a countdown on his phone.  That's when general surgery is done and Urology begins. 

I never thought I would want Evan looking at penises all day so badly! ; )


  1. Oh honey, I totally hear you. This parenting while both parents work thing is HARD. My husband doesn't have nearly as crazy of hours right now, but he's gone by 5:30am, maybe 6, so I have to juggle the dog, baby and me in the mornings...usually I have daycare duty in the afternoon, too, plus those late afternoon cranky hours. When he's traveling, which is a lot, I find myself resentful even though he's probably thinking that he'd love to be doing bathtime and cuddles. After I watched all the 9/11 coverage, I tried to reframe my mindset and say "you know what, we are blessed to have both of us here on Earth doing our best for our family - whenever I have the urge to snap or be mad or angry, I am going to pray for the babies whose mom/dad isn't even here to be mad at" and it has helped. I think it is because we all put so much pressure on ourselves to provide for our families but then also have this blissful "family time" that is hard to come by in the hustle and bustle of the "go go go." This is a hard season for new parents, and there is an end in site! Thanks for being so honest.

  2. Oh how I hear you! My hubby is a pilot, and is gone for several days at a time. Under normal circumstances it probably wouldn't be terrible, however I work in a cath lab, and am on call ALL THE TIME, and have crazy hours. Thankfully I have found people that will take our 2 year old last min, and at the awful hour of 5:30 in the morning when I have to be at work at 6. I too get frustrated/angry that I have to deal with everything, on top of working full time and taking care of a toddler. I have no idea what I am going to deal this spring when #2 arrives! I guess that's why God made women as strong as he did! Hang in there, it will be over before you know it!