Makes You Think

Last week we were at Meme's house (Evan's aunt, aka Liliana's favorite person on earth) and his uncle told us "Mike was in Colorado this weekend and I still haven't heard from him.  I texted him 2 days ago.  He would be the kind to go to a midnight showing of a movie."

We didn't think too much of it.  But then again, I thought "Mike doesn't seem like the kind of guy to not text back for TWO entire days when he knows his Dad is worried." 

Turns out, Evan's cousin WAS seeing Batman on opening day.  In Aurora.  At the same movie theatre.

Evan and his cousin Mike get along really swimmingly.  We even had him over for dinner a few months ago and I can see why Evan always enjoys his company so much.  He's a laid back guy, super kind, a brilliant artist, and just a really good person.

Mike scraped by though.  He went to the 12:01 showing and not the 12:00 showing.  So he was in the movie theatre RIGHT NEXT to where the shooting took place.

This story isn't over though.  A bullet went THROUGH THE WALL and hit the arm of the man in front of him and some debris hit Mike's ear.  In other words, his life was spared by a SMIDGE.

I told my Mom this story and she said "his EAR?  That's an INCH away from his brain ... imagine."

And it made me think.  WOW.  That is absolutely crazy.  My heart breaks for the people that lost their lives.  For the family that lost their 6 year old in the shooting.  And it really hit close to home when Evan's cousin nearly lost his life last week.

As I type this post, I look at my baby girl sweetly asleep on a blanket on the floor and realize HOW MUCH it would hurt to not have my family in my life.  I am so fortunate that we're all safe and healthy.  And I'm so sorry to those that lost their loved ones, because I can not imagine the pain, anger, etc. that I'd be feeling.

Every now and then, these things unfortunately happen where there are shootings and  every time I promise myself to "stop and smell the roses" and spend quality time with those I love.  But this time it just hit a little closer to home, and I promise, this weekend, it'll be us 4, watching the Olympics, and being thankful for what we have.

PS TOTALLY off topic, but in honor of my 150th sale in the etsy shop, I'm doing a 15% discount on anything until Sunday!  Simply email me at prettyprintsshop@gmail.com if you want a custom order (I do invitations, announcements, etc too!) or convo me on etsy letting me know what you want!  THANKS!  I've added some cute things lately ... take a look ...

Get it while it's hot print.

This is a fun print for the kitchen!  I think I'll also make one that says "drop it like it's hot" ... you know ... taking me back to my high school days!  : ) 

Make Today Totally Awesome print. 

 I just think this will look so fun in any dorm room, office, or kids room.  FUN, positive reinforcement.

The Big Results

We had our two doctor's visits yesterday.  They went ... well ... honestly, they could have gone better.

First was Liliana's doctor's appointment.  We did a repeat VCUG on her and to be completely 100% honest, I thought the results were going to be completely normal.  I really did.  The put the catheter in her and I was able to stay in the room for that, but once they started the xrays, I had to leave since I'm pregnant.  The problem?  She's potty trained now and didn't want to go pee pee in the bed like she has to.  The whole point of the VCUG is to see what happens to the kidneys and that entire region when she urinates.  She was screaming her head off poor baby and wouldn't go pee pee.  Finally Evan was able to stop by really quickly at the very end and put his head near Lilana's and she calmed down so much. 

A year ago, Liliana had what was considered minor Grade 2 reflux in her left kidney which means urine goes in to her kidney.  This normally wouldn't be bad, but if she gets a UTI, she might have infected urine go in to her kidneys then.  This time ...

She had grade 2 plus on BOTH kidneys.  NOT what I expected. 

I didn't cry because I know that this could be SO much worse.  She doesn't need surgery (she would if it was grade 5) but I'm still very sad.  Liliana is no where near done having to get VCUG's, this for sure means that Gloria will have to have studies done shortly after she is born as well (this is herediatry ... Liliana has this issue because of me), and it also means the visits aren't done.

Fortunately for us, we know a few Urologists in town (including Liliana's Daddy!) and we already spoke with the pediatric Urologist and we'll be having a visit with him and an Ultrasound done soon.  We'll see what the plans are from here on out. 

THEN ... VISIT #2: the OB.

Last week, at 33 weeks I was almost 1 cm dilated and 25% effaced and got put on bed rest.  This week, I am a full cm dilated and 50% effaced at 34 weeks.  I got put on the monitor, they saw some uterine irritation and I had a contraction while on the monitor so the Doctor kept me on bed rest.  The Doctor says he doubts I will make it to full term which was my BIG true goal.  So that makes me sad.  He also says that he realizes that if I was active, I would go in to labor.  I have to agree.  Whenever I do actually do something around the house, I immediately have contractions.  For instance, yesterday afternoon I cleaned the 3 toilets in the house and left to my doctor's appointmnet. Just the cleaning of those toilets and walking in to the visit gave me probably the most painful contraction I've had yet.  History of my first pregnancy taught us it doesn't take too many contractions to make me dilate so any serious contractions aren't welcome.

Normally at this stage, you go back every two weeks, but the Doctor wants me to go back next Thursday again to see how things go.  SO, that's what we'll do.  In the mean time, more resting, more finding things to do while relaxing, and more HOPING and PRAYING that Gloria keeps cooking in my belly.

Anxiously Awaiting Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day for our family, for two big reasons. 

About 14 months ago, Liliana got sick with horrible fevers that ended up being a Urinary Tract Infection.  After a lot of tears and worries, we got a VCUG and found that she had Grade 2 Urinary Reflux (which means her urine goes in to her kidneys a little bit when she pees).  The worry with this is that if she has a UTI, infected urine would get in to her kidneys.  The doctor said that we had to get a repeat VCUG annually until either she grew out of it or ... well, I'm not sure what we do until then.  Fortunately, we know a great Pediatric Urologist (ok, so it's Evan's attending and he's an Aggie here in Little Rock so I am pretty sure he's exactly what this Mommy needed to feel at peace) and he'll tell us what to do if we need to change our routine.  Long story short, Liliana's repeat VCUG is tomorrow morning.  Last year, my Mom did the procedure on her so I was able to sit down because I hate hospitals / needles / etc. and faint, but this year, Evan will be working and my Mom is at home ... so it's me and Lilibear.  I've got to put my Mommy big girl pants on and be her rock!  And I really hope I don't fail her while they're doing the catheter and VCUG.  I'm HOPING they'll find no reflux.

Lots of hopes in the morning and lots of hopes in the afternoon too ...

The SECOND big thing: I go back to my OB/GYN tomorrow.  I will be 34 weeks tomorrow and am so glad that I'm there already.  34 weeks is a BIG yay for any pregnancy, especially one that has you on bedrest.  Bed rest has been ROUGH.  I hate being lazy, yes, but it's the emotional part that I wasn't expecting.  Every contraction has me worrying, I cry when I have a few of them because I DREAD the idea that they might not stop.  I want her to stay inside my womb for 3 more weeks.  Do I think this will happen?  Probably not.  And it frustrates me.  I get mad and ANGRY at women that say "I just can't wait to not be pregnant anymore!" and beg for induction at 38 weeks because here I am WISHING I would be able to experience a pregnancy until then.  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I would be saying the opposite if I was in their situation, but it's just a frustrating thing to read about. 

A couple nights ago, I was having some painful contractions while at dinner and started crying.  Not because of the pain, but because of the fear of being in labor. 

Just being frustrated that this situation isn't exactly what I wanted.

It's silly of me to be thinking of being frustrated because pregnancy and motherhood have taught me that you can't plan ANYTHING.  Anyway, so I started crying through a contraction and Liliana said the funniest thing.  In our house, when Liliana gets in time out she has to say sorry and then give a hug before getting out of time out.  When Liliana saw me crying, I think it scared her because she never sees that.  When Liliana cries, that usually means she's in time out so in the middle of this contraction she said "Mommy, are you sorry?"  And I started CRACKING UP.  I said "yup, Mommy's sorry!" and she came over to hug me, Evan was hugging me, and I was officially out of time out. ; )  It was sweet.  And it made me realize that I am SO blessed to have what I have. 

My little girl took me out of my "time out/ funk" momentarily a couple days ago and I am so thankful for her.  I'm so thankful for my husband who has been asking me CONSTANTLY how I am, has been giving me hugs/ kisses/ support/ has done EVERYTHING around the house etc.  Yes this bed rest / Liliana having a procedure won't be the best day, but then again, I have some amazing blessings right in front of me. (Liliana, my hubby, and this big belly!)

Resting is Boring

I went to the Doctor on Friday afternoon.  I told her all the symptoms I've been having ... all the contractions, abdominal pains, nausea, etc. and she immediately wanted to check me.  At 33 weeks I am 1 cm dilated and nearly 50% effaced.  While it could obviously be worse (I mean, I could be delivering) it also could have been better.

As a result they told me to be on "get off the couch only if you HAVE to go somewhere rest" until I reach 34 weeks on Thursday.  On Thursday I go back to get checked again and I'll hopefully have made NO further progress.  Staying on the couch has been difficult.  Evan worked VERY long hours this weekend and had a rough weekend at that.  I had some help with Liliana on Saturday but still had her by myself for about four hours.  On Sunday, it was just us for about 13 hours.  Let me tell you, bed rest with a 2 year old ... well, those two don't really mix.

During the week, I'm taking Liliana to school.  I drop her off around 9:30 and normally was going to pick her up around 3:00 but these next two days I might have to wait another hour to ensure I stay off my feet. 

Now let's talk about bed rest: it SUCKS.  It is boring and worse, SO worrisome.  I keep thinking "PLEASE don't efface more.  PLEASE don't dilate more!  PLEASE last in my womb just 3 more weeks!"  With Liliana, I was 100% effaced and 1 cm dilated ... and delivered the day after I was told this.  So naturally, I'm nervous.  Very nervous.  Very anxious. 

I know that 34 weeks is a BIG milestone for pregnancy.  And I'm 33 weeks and 4 days today.  So getting to Thursday is vital.  But I don't want to do 34 weeks.  I know this is beyond my control, but I can't think about it without crying.  I wanted to go full term.  For some reason I had convinced myself that I would make that happen this time. 

I know we have no clue how long she'll last in my womb this time.  This visit on Thursday afternoon will be VERY telling and then we'll see what the Doctor tells me to do.  Let's just hope he says "with no progress, I'm not worried anymore!" and I could breath a sigh of RELIEF. 

Scared Senseless

Something about pregnancy just makes women scared.  Correction: makes ME scared (though I don't think I'm alone in this boat).

First, I was scared we'd have a hard time getting pregnant with #2 since I got diagnosed with PCOS.  I knew we had gotten pregnant on month #1 off birth control with Liliana and thought that was our lucky shot.  The luck was done.  Turns out, we're very fortunate and I got pregnant month #1 with this one too! 

So once that worry is done, you go through the first trimester worrying about miscarriage.  Fortunately I have such bad morning sickness that I don't worry about it TOO much because I know something is in there and sticking.

The second trimester is normally people's favorite.  And it wasn't too bad for me either.  Relatively worry free.  Finally the third trimester comes in and though most people relish it, start noticing more pains, and count down the days, I want the days to actually tick down.  I would LOVE to see "days until due date" go below 25 because I never saw that with Liliana.

This last week has had me in a CONSTANT state of fear. 

I delivered Liliana a month early just because I went in to labor naturally, not because of issues, but just because my body was done being pregnant.  This go around, my Doctor was planning on checking my progress at 34 weeks to make sure all was ok and was going to do my Strep B test then as well.

But this week has been full of worries: I've had tons of cramps (just like I'm starting my period, but not), had a tiny bit of spotting, had abdominal pains, upset stomach, nausea, and a few contractions everyday.  This is TOO early to be experiencing these worries.  Normally this might not seem like a big issue, but with Liliana I had TWO (yes, TWO) contractions and already heard that I was dilated, 100% effaced, and +2 station.  If this was the same as last time, I would never make it to 36 weeks with all the symptoms I've been experiencing.

Most days I consider going to the hospital and getting checked to make sure I'm not going in to labor too early.  After a week of it, I just can't take it.  I called today and go see the Doctor at 2:15.  I have this big fear that I've already progressed some.  I know that the chances of this aren't that likely.  I spent over an hour last night looking up preterm labor chances with #2 and apparently I have about a 1/3 chance of it happening again.  So that means there's a 2/3 chance that I'm over thinking this.

But this Mom and mom-to-be is scared senseless.  I want to keep this baby inside of my womb as long as humanly possible...preferably another 4 weeks.  But if 2 weeks is all I get, I guess it's better than nothing.  But 4 weeks, that's my goal.  Now let's just see the chances of that.

A Failure

I'm not going to lie ... this week has been really tough.  When Evan left the house this morning he told me "this has been my worst week of residency, ever."  And he just might be right.

He has worked SUCH long hours this week and what makes it even harder is there is no end in sight.  I do the best I can, but I am just TIRED.  Not necessarily sleepy (though I am that too) but just TIRED. 

Tired of doing EVERYTHING.  Tired of being a stay at home Mom, and a full time working Mom, and having NO help. 

I'm admittedly getting irritable around others because of it.  When I hear others saying "it's just so hard" I admittedly think in my head "please!  You don't have to work!"  or "Please!  You take your kid to Grandma's three times a week!"  And I HATE thinking like that.  It's a seed of jealousy and that's the truth.  And really and truly, my life is brilliant.  And sometimes that's why it's best to write things out, just like this post, because I haven't been honest enough with myself to think that this entire week.

Instead I've just stewed inside.  This is something I have REALLY tried to rid myself of the last few years.  Like I've posted about many times, I was, deep down an unhappy person in my third year of law school.  This is another post for another day (and one that I just haven't been GUTSY enough to write before), but I went through some depression during my pregnancy with Liliana.  Ironically enough, didn't have one shred of it after delivering (which is much more common than during pregnancy).  Regardless, the day that I cried myself a lake about hating what I was doing with my life, I really tried to become a new person.

A fresher person.  A happier person.  A person more true and honest to herself.  I learned to be happy for others instead of constantly jealous.  I learned to relish the good in life and to not let things get to me as much.

Have I done this perfectly the last 2 years?  OF COURSE NOT.  NOBODY and I repeat NOBODY is free from these types of feelings.

But this past week, I've felt like it's resurfacing.  Not the depression during pregnancy.  I can HAPPILY say I haven't had any this pregnancy and that is something Evan and I discussed MULTIPLE times before getting pregnant this go around.  It's a big part of why I exercise throughout pregnancy.  They say exercise greatly helps with depression and I am LIVING proof of it helping TREMENDOUSLY with it.

When I say resurfacing, I mean just the constant thoughts of "WHEN is this going to end?" "WHEN will Evan actually leave at a decent hour?  WHEN will he get to see his daughter for more than 20 minutes a day (or at all for that matter)?  WHEN will we catch a stinking break?  WHEN will we get to watch a movie together without one of us falling asleep because we have so much on our plates?"

And what makes it really difficult is nobody really understands.  My Aunt does, but she's a counselor for petes sake, so this is her thing.  Every week or so, she sends me a text simply saying "I love you and miss you."  OR she'll at least ACKNOWLEDGE it and say "you both are SO strong!  I can't believe you keep going."  Just having somebody say that ... GOODNESS that goes a long way.  It's her way of saying "hang in there.  This is rough.  You're doing well."  It's not that I need credit.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want somebody playing violins in the background for me.  I just want the simple "we notice" every now and then instead of the "well this is how it goes!"  OR "I had it worse!" OR "does he really work THAT hard?" (all things we've heard btw)

But when people get on Evan about not calling them?  NOT the way to go.  And when you put pressure on us about tiny little details?  NOT the way to go. 

I guess I'm saying, a break would be nice...and not from others really.  The ONLY culprit is residency. 

And the break?  It's not coming.  Evan's on call ALL stinking weekend and he won't see Liliana today (for the third night out of four this week). (caveat: I always mention in these kinds of posts that I know being a surgery residents wife doesn't even compare to what others go through.  I'm sorry.  I just need a space to write out my frustrations too. Please understand).

I feel like a big complainer.  I truly do.  I am so frustrated with my mind and brain for thinking like this.  I LOVE having Liliana.  It's funny because back when she was 13 or 14 months old, I would look at that clock praying for the time to fly by so I could get a break and put her down for sleep. 

Now?  I HATE 8:00.  I hate putting my toddler who love life to the fullest down for night night.  I LOVE spending time with her. She makes me laugh.  She makes the time fly.  She is the light in my life through this and I am so grateful that Liliana has been around this year.  She has been Mommy's rock and she doesn't know it, but she has helped this year become much more tolerable.

I'm not going to lie ... this isn't easy on a marriage.  It's not to say that we've been fighting more than usual.  It's not to say anything.  It's hard to maintain a feeling of closeness when, at best, your only communication is a couple text messages throughout the day.  We text as often as possible, and usually my job is the more flexible in terms of being able to answer texts, but we're still both very busy and it's difficult to find time during the day.  We NEVER get phone calls in during the day, and if we do, it's usually because there is some kind of emergency and we HAVE to communicate.  I think this frustrates Evan because he comes home and I'm tired and moody.  I'm not in the mood to be chipper anymore.  And in turn, that just makes him feel even worse for being gone so much.  There isn't any perfect solution to this.  Our answer?  We stay up entirely too late talking, kissing, and being together and trying to lump 3 hours of quality time in to 30 minutes. 

We try to make the most of the time we have together (for the most part) but when he's working 15/ 16 hour days and when I'm in my third trimester and have worked a full time job, worked out, cooked dinner, folded laundry, made doctor's appointments, decorated a nursery, etc., saying "HI SWEETY!  Look at this 5 course meal that I made for you!" isn't going to happen either.

Our marriage is by NO MEANS in trouble.  It's not that.  It's just that this does suck.  And, this is just the way it is.

Yesterday, Evan got home around 8:00 and like I said, that's Liliana's bed time.  At least he got to see her.  It was a hell of a lot better than arriving a little before 11 pm like the evening before. 

When he got home, she was sitting on her dresser as we were picking out her pajamas.  She EXCLAIMED "DADDY!!!" since she hasn't seen him all week.  She gave us the sincerest look on her face and EMBRACED the two of us, together as a family.  After a few seconds, she pulled away, looked at us IN THE EYES, and went in for another family embrace (four in total).  She initiated it all.  I KNOW in my heart, she was telling us she was glad to have her family together.  And it BROKE MY HEART.  I nearly broke down and cried, though I didn't.

Because I can't.

Because though we keep telling ourselves "this will get better" that's what we said when his new rotation started, and that was 8 weeks ago.  So when I get a text saying "I think today will be a decent day" I don't even get my hopes up anymore.  I still know it won't be. 

And I know the truth of the matter is this is what happens when your husband is a surgeon in his residency.  And YES, before you say I need to be proud of him and be supportive ... I AM!  I find it BEYOND sexy that my husband is a brilliant man that helps people all day.  And I know that this will only be 4 years longer (can I say ONLY for another FOUR FREAKIN years?).  And I am doing MY BEST.

But I'm human.

And I'm working on these feelings right now.  I'm TRYING to work through them.

This week, I'm failing at it.

Missing Him Today, and Forever

On April 12th of every year, I always have my entire heart to lay out.  This year is no exception.

The pain of missing my brother so desparately that it hurts.  The pain of knowing that he would have met his nieces and nephews.  The pain of not seeing who he would have become. 

April 12th is, by far, my least favorite day of the year.

It's the day that my father told my brother and I "there has been a car accident.  Carlos didn't make it."

It's, I believe, the last time I saw my father cry.  It was, by far, the time I've seen my brother cry harder than I thought possible.  And it was the day that a little 7 year old girl realized her normal bubbly personality couldn't fix this situation.  It was the day my Mom felt more pain than I can imagine.  It was the day she saw her son die in her arms.

Nearly 20 years later, I can't think about this without breaking down in tears. And as I sit here, tears stream down my face, and I know there is absoultely nothing I can do other than cry. 

And the thing is, I think of Carlos every single day.  I literally thank God (or whatever being there is) every day for my parents and my brother, Danny.  For the family I do have.  Even on days that they frustrate me, I am so thankful for them because not everybody has both parents or a sibling. 

Throughout the day, I usually do a great job of staying strong at work.  Nobody has any clue that years ago, on this day, my brother was taken from us.  But the second I see Evan?  I know I will break down.  I always do the second he gives me a hug and says "I haven't stopped thinking about you today."

And sometimes he cries with me.  He never met Carlos, obviously (since I was 7) but he cries.  For us.  For his family.

He told me late last night that he thought of bringing me flowers today but then realized there was nothing he could do to make it better.  And he didn't want me to see those flowers every time I was in the kitchen and get more upset.  I told him the thought of it meant more than the flowers, and that I agreed.  I would have intentionally avoided that area of the home.  There's nothing you can give, other than a hug, a kiss, and love on a day like today.

God.  That's another topic that my mind is on alot at this time of year.  Religion is a topic I rarely talk about on this blog, or with anybody for that matter.  It's a very difficult topic for me because I can change my mind 180 degrees in the span of 5 minutes.  I know I'm blessed with so much, but it is also so difficult to understand why, if there is a God, he would put a family through something like this.

And I hate when people say "you weren't raised in a church, you poor thing."  Or when people say "your parents should believe in God more and this wouldn't have happened."

Those stupid ass comments are the ones that make me never want to go to church again. 

I don't judge people on their religion.  I want my children to grow up with loving, caring, nonjudgmental people and role models in their lives.  To be kind, to be honest, and to be loyal.  I don't care if that role model is religious or not. 

This year, I have probably felt the most "religious" that I have felt in over 10 years.  I don't know why.  Maybe because I've been blessed with wonderful children, etc., but I hate that I doubt when bad things happen.  I suppose I'm not strong enough to not doubt.  And sometimes, when I say doubt, that means I don't believe for years.  And this is just the way I'll be until I die.  This event, this DAY in my life, has made this so and if people judge me for it?  Let them.  I am done trying to change that component of my life.  I will never 100% know where I fall on this topic, and that is just going to have to be ok.

Carlos was a handsome, BRILLIANT (no seriously, he was that kind of scary brilliant.  IQ had him at genius level, not exaggerating) boy.  A boy that was so kind.  So curious.  So interesting.  So wonderful with his sister.

The day before Carlos went on his field trip with his classmates, he babysat me.  He didn't complain.  He LIKED babysitting his 7 year old sister.

And we played a game where he would put clues around the house until I found the "prize."  i don't even know what the prize was ... don't remember the reward.  Just remember the game.  Funny huh?

That night, I remember he hid the prize in the fridge.  There was a clue in the bench in the piano telling me to head to the fridge and I ran through the house laughing my head off wanting my prize.  And I remember him chasing after me, timing me, and screaming "come on Cristina!" 

Those memories.  I will never forget.  EVER.

Uphill Battle

Yesterday afternoon I got to the hospital around 5 pm.  I had to wait a little less than an hour before being seen, but considering I was a rather last minute fit in, I suppose that wasn't too bad.

While waiting, I was really uncomfortable.  I was sweating profusely, my back was killing me, and I was ... in general ... not at my best.  I finally told them I knew they would want a urine sample for my culture and couldn't hold it anymore (hello people, I have a UTI which basically means I NEVER think I can hold it).  Giving a sample stinks when you have a UTI because it hurts so darn much to go (and for a couple hours after), but I knew it was something they'd want.

I gave the sample and went in to "triage."  Once in triage, we had a HORRIBLE LVN assisting us.  She was RUDE ("ok, where you put your pee at?")  Ummm ... really?  I left it in the restroom.  Where else would I have put it?  Turns out, they did the urine analysis on it and it came back negative.  You don't say!  REALLY!  I've been on antibiotics for 3 days so OF COURSE it came out negative.  Evan had already joined me by this time and just about lost it.  He told them that with antibiotics in my system, they might as well have rubbed the swab in dirt b/c an analysis isn't what he wanted, but instead a urine culture.  (I joke with him that when I hear him at work in his capacity saying "Dr. Lacefield" it's super sexy, mainly b/c he's doing so much good in others lives, but somehow, when it involved my pee, it became so not sexy)

It gets worse though.  After we realized they wasted time doing the urine analysis, we heard that they THREW IT AWAY instead of doing the culture.  So to get the culture that he wanted, what do you think I had to do?

That's right.  Pee again.  (sorry this post is full of nasty topics.  Deal with it.  I'm going through lots.)

I was so frustrated at this point.  Frustrated that they weren't thinking about their patient.  Frustrated that they just didn't think ... period.  I have no medical training like this nurse did and even I know not to do that!  Like Evan later told me "you never throw away pee until you're positive you're done with it!" haha ... again, sexy Urologist talk.  Funny thing about it is he said it with a very serious face.  Looking back on it, that might be one of the funniest sentences I've ever heard.

This is another blog topic for another day, but quick side note: You can't be shy if you're married to a Urologist.  Fortunately, I am NOT a private person at all.  Some people are turned off about that.  It's just who I am.  With two parents as physicians, I learned that the human body is what it is, and you shouldn't be shy about something that happens to so many women (such as this issue for example).  A few of Evan's family members are really shy (weirded out) about what he does for a living ... the way I see it?  It's all part of your body!  And if you have testicular cancer, or penile cancer, I am SO thankful we have people in this world to help us with that.  I always tell Evan "they'll think it's gross until god forbid, one of them gets prostate cancer etc. and then they'll realize just how darn useful you are!" And something as simple as this UTI/ possible kidney infection ... he made my life from practically unbearable to seemingly normal in the course of one day.  MY HERO!

Part of my problem when I go in to triage or other places is that I stay very stoic throughout.  I seem like nothing is hurting and nothing is affecting me, when in reality, I felt like crap.  The thermometer wouldn't even take my temperature (in my armpit) because it was so sweaty.  I was miserable. When they left the room and the Doctor came in, he apologized for them having thrown it away, told me Gloria looked great on the monitor so that concern was gone, and did a pelvic exam to make sure my cervix was still closed (which it is!).  I'm really fortunate because my OB happened to be the one on call last night so once he knew we were there, he took great care of us! 

When he left, the water works started.  I don't want it to sound like I cry at the drop of a hat.  When I was pregnant with Liliana, I did.  The hormones were INSANE that pregnancy.  This go around?  Not so much.  I can't remember the last time I cried.

This time, I cried out of frustration, out of anger, and because I knew that using the restroom again would hurt like the dickens.  I finally gave them another sample and Evan was VERY adamant to make sure that they labeled it etc.  We decided to switch the medication I was on since this UTI is obviously resistant to the first type of medication I was on.  They won't really know what the best medication is until they've had the culture for 48 hours, but we knew my being in this pain for 48 more hours wasn't an option.

Evan called the medication in while we were leaving the hospital and I already have two pills in my system.  I am glad to report that on that end, I am feeling MUCH better.  My back, however, is still in an excrutiating amount of pain.  I didn't bring the heating pad to work with me, like a big moron.  I think I will be using it constantly until this UTI is officially gone. 

The good news?  Likely not a kidney infection, and likely just a couple more days of yuckiness before I'm back to 100%!  The other good news?  Glee comes back tonight after a really long hiatus!  If that doesn't make me feel better, I don't know what will.

Our Horrible Trip to the ER

This weekend was supposed to be somewhat of a celebration.  Evan is off nights as I posted about HERE and though he was on call this weekend, we were still relieved to have him home sometimes.

Turns out, the weekend didn't go as planned AT ALL.  On Saturday night, I kinda craved some Mexican food and since Evan's beeper had been going off every 30 minutes all day, we decided to take advantage of a Mexican restaurant literally 2 minutes away from the house.  We enjoyed our dinner together as a family, Liliana was a dream as always, and though Evan's pager went off a few times he didn't have to rush off to the hospital for the first time that day so we were HAPPY.

As soon as we got home, Evan got paged and had to leave.  I decided to plop on the couch, have a little pity party, and put on the stupidest show I could think of while I worked on an etsy order I got over the weekend (highlight of the weekend!  Got my first order! WOO HOO!).  When Evan got home around 11, I told him the Mexican food didn't settle too well and I felt like throwing up.  I haven't felt sick like this in over a month, so I don't know if it was pregnancy related or what.

Long story short: I threw up around 11:30.  It was pretty miserable.  I threw up so hard that a ton of capillaries on my face burst and I looked like I had chicken pox yesterday.  They're still there, but make-up does a decent (note: not perfect, but decent) job of covering them up.

Wish I was kidding, but while he was cleaning me up and cleaning out the trash can, he got paged and headed back to the hospital.  POOR THING. 

He crawled back in bed around 2 am and was at the hospital at 6:45 on Sunday morning.  He got home in the early afternoon and had to head back a couple hours later.  Not an hour after he left, I went upstairs to put Liliana down for her nap.  On my way downstairs, I felt my foot on the first stair.

And then it happened.

I fell down the stairs.

HARD.

When I stopped on the landing, I just started BAWLING.  Panicked.  Terrified. 

I knew I had bruises on my body, and yes I did notice that I was in a huge amount of pain but more than anything, my body didn't know how to handle the trauma of my having done something to compromise the health of Gloria. 

I immediately called Evan (the phone slid down the stairs with me because I had it in my hands) and he could hardly understand me.  I was incoherent, crying, and panicked.  I think I mustered up something like "I just fell really hard down the entire flight of stairs.  I'm hurt.  Gloria. Gloria. Gloria."

He just said "I'm coming home."

I don't really know what happened at work, but I think it went something like telling the upper level resident "I have to go" and fortunately the upper level told him "LEAVE."

15 minutes later we had ice on my butt (got majority of the impact there).  I called my Aunt and just vented out to her.  She is SUCH an amazing woman.  I don't know what I would do without her.  She called my cousin and my brother and those were the only 3 people from my side of the family that I wanted to know.  My parents are on vacation and I didn't want them to worry.  Plus, I was just too panicked to talk to anyone.

We finally got to the ER and waited ... and waited ... and waited ... and waited. 

We brought Liliana to the ER with us.  She made me feel better by giving me a massage.

And then she painted me a picture.

Shortly after, Evan's aunt, as usual, was our saving grace and came to get Liliana.  She ended up keeping her until nearly 11 o'clock at night, because that's how long the rest of our day took.  It was a long day, needless to say.

So we waited more.  And more. 

Evan was getting REALLY pissed off.  He kept telling me, "I don't want to pull the 'I'm a doctor here damn it!' page."  Turns out, he should have.

The second the attending came in (around 8 pm) he looked at Evan and you could almost see him mutter ...

"oh shit."

Well what do you know?  Afterwards, we received VIP treatment!

ER Doctor: "OHH, why didn't you tell us it was you that was here?  Why didn't you tell us?  We would have seen you way sooner!"

To me, and excuse my French, this is bullshit.  Just because Evan's a doctor does not mean you should treat him or I better.  You shouldn't leave a nearly 20 week pregnant woman in the dark for nearly 4 hours not knowing if her baby is ok or not.  You should at the VERY least come in and apologize for your horrible service.  I am fine with them seeing us a little sooner just to help Evan out since he was BY THE WAY on call throughout all of this and answering pages, but to make it seem like this really upset me for other patients that don't have a husband who is a doctor there.  Seems unfair to me.

Anyway, nearly immediately after we finally saw them, we were wheeled up to labor and delivery and at 9 pm (5 hours after showing up) we heard Gloria's heartbeat.

Gloria's gorgeous, happy, PERFECT heartbeat. 

And she was moving around (like she is right now as I write this post).  And she looks WONDERFUL.  They did a quick pelvic exam to make sure my cervix was still closed and that I hadn't leaked any fluid.  All looked 100% and we were on our way home.

Exhausted.

Relieved. 

SORE.

By the time we got Liliana for Evan's aunt's house, put her to bed, ate something (because we hadn't had anything to eat since having a sandwich at noon), and got ready for bed it was nearly midnight. 

We fell asleep SO quickly.  I sent an email to work and told them "don't expect me at 7:40 like usual.  Let's try more like 9:15."  I just knew I wouldn't be able to muster it.  I showed up at 9:15 and look tired, my butt looks like it's been to hell and back, but I'm fine.

As for Evan, he was back at the hospital from 1:30 - 4 in the morning and back again at 6:15 this morning.  He needs to sleep.  But my husband, seriously, is the most amazing man on this planet.  You see, Evan is FINALLY doing Urology this month and while call this weekend was ROUGH he finally LOVES what he's doing.  I just got a text from him while writing this post "Holy crap I love this stuff!  Can't wait to tell you all about it."

Evan's off the next two weekends in a row.  As a result, this wife loves this Urology stuff too! : )

And while my butt and Evan's sleepiness might disagree, all seems ok for now.  One thing is for sure, I will be grabbing the rails EVERY TIME I walk down a flight of stairs from now on.

It's Over.

One of the things I don't like about blogging is that it's not private.  While I do like sharing stories, recipes, and ideas and seeing them on others blogs, it's also hard sometimes because the things that are really close to my heart have to stay hidden.

That's what has been going on the last 6 weeks. 

I have barely seen Evan the last six weeks.  When I say barely, I mean it. 

You see, Evan was on night float the last 6 weeks.  And truly, it sucked.  So bad.

So bare with me, I'm going to be complaining and WHINE a ton on this blog post, but it's been building for 6 weeks .... sorry.

Night float is a system where in the residents go in around 5 pm and come home around 6:30 am.  They usually have one night off over the weekend and that was our saving grace.  That one night every 2 weeks.  We lived for it.

Don't know if you're aware of this, but this 5 pm to 6:30 am schedule is kinda the exact OPPOSITE schedule of most working people's schedules. 

For the last six weeks, this has been our routine:

I RUSH out of work right at 4 o'clock so that I can get home around 4:20.  Evan leaves the house around 4:30.  Ten minutes of quality family time right there.  Actually usually it consisted of Liliana struggling with the fact that Daddy was leaving again and us trying to calm her down.  She HATES it when he gets his keys.  In fact, our daughter now calls keys "bye byes."  Isn't that sad?  We've tried teaching her llaves (Spanish for keys) but in her mind, they're the thing that Daddy picks up when it's time to go for the evening. 

After Evan would leave, Liliana and I would have our evenings together.  Fortunately the girl was AMAZING the last 6 weeks.  We have (KNOCK ON WOOD!) made it through this ENTIRE season without Liliana even getting a fever.  Strongest immune system I'm telling you.  The girl is in daycare every single day and her daycare was infultrated with some pretty serious stuff this year.  She came out unscathed somehow.  So usually Liliana and I would have a snack (sharing a little Kraft Macaroni and an apple), play and read book after book after book, and around 6 o'clock, we would head to the gym 3 times a week.  After that it was usually bath then bed.  By the time that I would come downstairs, eat my own dinner, and clean up around the house I was EXHAUSTED. 

I was essentially a single Mom and let me tell you, I respect women that do it.  SO stinking much.  When I would sit down around 8:30, I just wanted to not get up. 

The roughest part of it all?  I slept like SHIT the entire time.  And yes, shit is the correct word.  I woke up AT LEAST once an hour the ENTIRE 6 weeks.  I have been exhausted because I've never gotten in to my REM cycles. 

I don't know exactly why I sleep so poorly when Evan is gone.  My body is tired, my mind is tired, and I even take a sleeping pill as an anti-nausea medication but still, I wake up often.  I could usually fall asleep around midnight, but I wake up at six every morning and would wake up around 6 times a night.  Do the math and that's not enough sleep for a pregnant lady!  I'm pretty convinced that's why I got sick a few weeks ago.  Lack of sleep really messes with the body.

I'm just used to his arms cuddling me and being by myself TERRIFIES me.  I worried people were in the house and all these stupid overdramatic things.  Sure we have a kick butt alarm in our house, but I still don't like people knowing when he's not home so I couldn't share.

Evan would usually get home RIGHT as my alarm was going off in the morning (or sometimes while I was in the shower getting ready for work).  At this point, he would crash for about 30 minutes and then would wake up again so he could get Liliana ready for the day and make my breakfast.  It was another 10 minutes we got together.

So far, we're at 20 minutes a day.  And that's all she wrote.  BLAH.

But today is March 1st.  And nights are DONE.  FOREVER!  FOREVER!  Yes, that's right.  I get to sleep in Evan's nook and be a happy wife and we get to be a happy family.  YAY!  To make things evern better, Evan is doing his Urology rotation this month which he, naturally, is REALLY excited for.  The worst of this Surgery intern year is OVER.  AMAZING.

Evan worked last night and transitioned straight to days today.  In other words, he hasn't slept for over 24 hours.  But tonight when I get home from work, we will have dinner TOGETHER as a family, put Liliana to bed as a FAMILY, and fall asleep (probably 30 minutes after because we're both BEAT!) together as a HAPPY couple. 

: )

It's A ...

I was nervous that he wouldn't be able to tell us if it was a girl or a boy because I kept remembering that he said "if the baby cooperates I'll let you know."

BUT ... the baby DEFINITELY cooperated because he wasn't looking for more than 30 seconds before he said:

"I'm putting all my eggs in one basket to say..."

We are SO elated and excited to say we're having another baby girl! 

Her name will be Gloria Isabel.  My grandmother, Tata, was named Gloria.  Tata and I were VERY close.  She was SUCH a unique and special woman.  I wish I could describe the kind of woman she was in words, but needless to say, she was something else.  She was the most generous kind hearted woman on Earth and I am so honored to name our baby girl after her. 

The middle name is Isabel because that's MY middle name!  We debated for a while over what sounded good middle name wise and when I used my middle name we realized "dang that sounds good!"  SO, it was set.

Now ... for the not so good part.  The revealing of the sex was exciting in and of itself, and he says he's pretty darn sure.  I didn't really get any good views, but I think I did see at one time that there was nothing in between those legs.  Then though, he started looking closely at ... my placenta.

My placenta is not where he'd like it to be right now.  In fact, it looks like placenta previa.  Placenta previa is a complication of pregnancy in which the placenta grows in the lowest part of the womb (uterus) and covers all or part of the opening to the cervix.  Now he did mention that early in pregnancy this is pretty common and it's also MOST LIKELY that the placenta will move upwards more and we won't have any worries.

That is what I am PRAYING will happen. 

If not, it could get really hairy.  I will definitely have a c-section and it will be a scheduled one.  The one concern with this is that I deliver pre-mature babies (like Liliana was) so we might not have the ability to do that.  He can't check my cervix either to see how I'm progressing so this could get tricky.  IF this continues and it doesn't move, this means that whenever I bleed, I will have to be hospitalized for a few days.  If it happens again, I will have to be on hospital bed rest.  YUCK to the maximum.  I don't know HOW we would even manage that.  What would we do with Liliana?  What about work?  etc.  To say it sounds incredibly stressful is a complete and total understatement.

For now, I will TRY to keep my head up high and relish on the fact that CHANCES ARE it will move up and we will have nothing to worry about.  The doctor kept going ON and ON about how active the baby was and saying he never sees babies that active at 16 weeks.  I think people thought I was crazy when I said I was feeling movements that early and that Evan felt movements that early, but I made him a total believer! 

I am truly so excited it's another girl.  I think it will fit our family so perfectly. 

Liliana and Gloria = BFF!!! : )

Marriage Isn't Easy!

These last two weeks have been very challenging in our house.  Evan has been working ridiculously long hours and I have felt stressed doing the rest.  It's a challenge to manage everything while keeping smiles on our faces.

I think I should preface this post with saying that I don't really know how I'm going to write it, nor do I want anything to think that Evan and I are having marital problems!  We are not!  We are simply having to learn how to adjust to this life ... this life where Evan is VERY rarely home, where I am working long hours myself, and where I am quite frankly in charge of EVERYTHING else. 

 Evan and I have always handled stress brilliantly in our relationship.  We tackled both of us in law school and medical school, with my being pregnant, and six figures in debt without a shouting match ever.  But this lask week, it has been hard to keep a happy face on when he gets home because I am so unhappy with how little he is home and so unhappy with all the familial responsibilities that fall on my shoulder.  And I feel pretty stupid getting mad at him when he tells me about the day he has had: "well, I spent 3 hours suturing this guys head back together."  Seriously?  I don't think I have room to complain after that!  he is doing SO much good in this world, literally saving lives, and I am complaining because I have to do the grocery shopping every single time?  Someone (ME) needs to get off her high horse.

To make matters worse, when Evan DOES get home, he won't let me lift a finger. I know he feels horribly for being gone so long, but when I'm dealing with the stress that a home brings, and with a baby that gets quite fussy in the evenings, I can't help but think "GRRRR, why doesn't HE ever have to deal with any of this?  Why is it that I am the one that has to handle all the family and house situations?  Why does that responsibility so often fall to the female?"

  Evan is gone EXTREMELY early in the morning (by 4:30 at the latest) and works VERY LONG days.  In fact, MOST days, he doesn't even get to see Liliana which has been difficult for the both of us.  When he does get home, he tip toes in to her room and watches her sleep which simply breaks my heart.  On the days that he has seen her (which has never been for over an hour), he tells me things like "hey, she's saying no no no to everything now!"  And I don't MEAN to sound rude, but I tell him "yeah, she's been doing that for almost a week now."  When I say it, I don't realize how much that must hurt, but he brought that up the other night.  I had never realized how much that must sting.  For some fathers, that's not a big deal, but for a dad like Evan that has been beyond outstanding, I know he is missing his family. 

Let me give you a play by play of Wednesday night.  I have been pretty darn bogged down at work but took an hour out of my work day dealing with a health insurance bill that we got that has mistakes all over it.  I called a billion offices, got no where, and was incredibly frustrated.  I needed Evan to give me some information that I was unaware of and texted him.  I didn't hear back for over four hours, so naturally I was frustrated and he responds saying "I'm sorry, I was in a surgery for a lady that needed her leg cut off in an emergency surgery."  What the hell am I supposed to say to that?  I realize that when it comes down to it, he does have the more "high stress" and "important" job.  I also realize that this general surgery year is only going to be ONE year and we won't see the emergency surgeries nearly as much in Urology, but still, it gets old.  He did what he could to give me the information, but I am still, as I type this, no where with handling this bill.  And that responsibility, just like all others, fall to me.

After work, I get a quick work out in, go home and wait for an hour when I get the text I'm used to getting now "babe, I am so sorry but I have to stay here longer.  We haven't even started rounding on our patients.  I won't get to see her again.  I miss you two so much.  I am miserable.  I love you."

Well, I can't get mad at that right?  I mean, I know he doesn't WANT to be working this much.  I also know that this is how residency goes.  This is what EVERY SINGLE general surgery resident is going through.  But I also know that when I'm at home, it isn't easy!

At home, I make dinner, and then Liliana and I eat.  She gets extremely tired so I put her to bed, then I go downstairs, clean the kitchen, the house, start doing some laundry and eventually a very exhausted Evan comes home.

I try to do sweet things like make him his favorite brownies (which I did do this week and I plan on posting the recipe soon).  But I am so irritable and sad about the way the days have been going that unless he thanks me a trillion times over, I say he's not appreciating everything I do.

The truth of the matter?  We both aren't appreciating what the other person does enough.  We don't freaking HAVE TIME to appreciate it enough! 

Last night, he finally got home at a GREAT hour and only worked a 14 hour day (yes, that's a good day people).  He played with Liliana and our night together was fabulous. We for the first time in nearly 2 weeks got a chance to talk about things, our day, and eventually fell asleep at 9:30!  Lame right?  But it was nice.  It was nice just cuddling and falling asleep on the couch.  It was nice to get a glimpse of how life will be once again.

I don't really know how to FIX this residency, time, parenting, household responsibility dilemma that we have going here, and lord knows that I have been snappier and more irritable towards my husband in the last two weeks than I should be. I think, quite frankly, it's because I miss him.

PS I should also mention that this entire week I was/ am on my period.  TMI? Deal with it people!  I only have my period 3 times a year and it had to come this week, which definitely makes me pissy! Craps and bloating? Yuck.

For now though ... our solution?

Saturday, (as in tomorrow) Evan is off from work!  WOO HOO and bless the lord!  We are spending the entire day togehter as a FAMILY, going to a family reunion, and then in the late afternoon, Evan's aunt is taking Liliana so we can go to dinner and see a movie (the Help).  She's even keeping Liliana over night so we can have a nice night to ourselves.  I think it'll do us a world of good.  But then, come Monday it's starting ALL over again ... have I mentioned how excited I am for July 1, 2012?  We have a countdown on his phone.  That's when general surgery is done and Urology begins. 

I never thought I would want Evan looking at penises all day so badly! ; )

Raw Emotion Today

Last week I realized something.  I made the right decision.  I've known it for a long time, but I've had to convince myself a few times when people give me looks after I say "I went to law school but decided to get an unconventional job with it."  After this week, I say it with pride.  I look at people who judge and say "psh, you're probably just jealous."

Making the decision to not practice in a law firm after I was so obnoxious all through law school was a humbling experience.  I felt so vulnerable.  I knew people would have lots to say under their breath.  To be quite honest, I didn't like the person I became through law school.  I was constantly bitter, constantly stressed, and frankly unhappy.  Looking back on it, I became a very unlikeable person.   When all you are is stressed, you just get mad at people around you that seem happy.  Don't know if that's common, but that's how I react.  I found it hard to be happy for others, which is truly such a shame.  I'm ashamed to say I became that for a while.

Even through my pregnancy, my main thought was: "will I get a job as an associate somewhere?"  I was unreasonably selfish and frantic about the stupidest thing.

The evening that I finally took the plunge and decided to work in an academic setting, I had a few people not agree with my decision.  However, the majority of people, especially my husband, knew it was right.  I immediately felt SUCH a relief.  I think some people thought I was giving up working.  Quite on the contrary.  Like I've said many times on this blog, I've always known staying at home isn't the life I want.  I think it works wonders for some people, but I just can't give up all the hard work through college and law school.  Plus, if I told you my hours this week, you would know that isn't the case.  I was at the office about 45 hours this week, not to mention the 15 hours I worked at home.  It isn't anywhere near my husband's hours (poor guy) but still not a walk in the park by any means.

While working at the middle school all last year I felt happy but still felt somewhat unfulfilled.  I was so fortunate to land a job within 1 week of having my application out so I didn't complain.  The kids at the middle school taught me patience.  The staff taught me resilience.  But I knew that wasn't my goal.  I knew I wanted a position with more autonomy.  I really wanted a position that required initiative.

And that's exactly what I have here.  Again, I was so lucky to easily get this job.  I sent out a blind email looking for any position and the head of school wrote back with a myriad of possibilities for me.  For starters, I really enjoy working with the older students (most of them are about 17 or 18).  I feel like I can relate to them more and I remember so well what they're going through.  I also enjoy that I do get to teach a course.  Yes it's time consuming and yes teaching Economics is difficult, but I think the students enjoy our time together.  Another part of my job that I love is being the Director of Upper School Academic Achievement.  I get the privilege of talking with parents and with students and trying to help them succeed here so they can go to the best college possible.  Whether that means organization skills, test accommodations, or test-taking strategies, I am SO very busy handling all of this.  Some days I forget that I had to pee!

Funny thing is ... I wouldn't want it any other way.  And I know I won't love the job every single day.  I know some days will be tough and some days I'll say "uggh I hate this," but every job has their cons. 

For the first time since my big decision last summer, I can with 100% certainty say, I made the right choice for myself.  And for the first time in a VERY FREAKING LONG time I can say (without sounding too cocky) I am PROUD of myself.

Two BAD Things That Happened To Me Today (Make That Three)

Today started off like any normal day.  I got dressed in my workout clothes and headed out to the gym.  Our gym has this great little daycare downstairs and Liliana LOVES when we head over there ... she starts clapping when I park.  To say that this baby is bored with only my company is an understatement.  I think she'll be thrilled to start daycare again soon once I start work in the fall.  Her boredom with me isn't the shitty thing that happened to me today though.

As I drove to the gym (which is approximately 2 miles from our home), my car started acting weird.  It couldn't accelerate more than 20 miles an hour.  And it was noisy.  And it was shaking.  And it was scary.

And right as I pulled in to the parking lot?  The transmission light let out a big DING for me.

Note: This is the first shitty thing that happened to me.

Then, after a great workout and having to call people throughout to hear about mechanics, I got back in the car to go home.  On the way home, my car could barely drive a second without causing problems.  I had to slow down, put it in first gear, and try to get home as safely as possible. All with my daughter in the car...yes, I was worried.  Yes, I tried contacting my husband and he helped as much as he possibly could from work.  The sweet life of being married to a resident let me tell ya ... and a surgery resident on top of that ... but that's for another post.

As I pulled in to my garage, my car made ANOTHER DING noise for me.

This time?  The engine light turned on!

Note: This is the SECOND shitty thing that happened to me today.

Fortunately, Evan's family is so kind and his uncle came to our house, took Liliana and I to the mechanic, and to top it all off?  They're going to let me borrow one of their cars so I don't have to pay for a rental.  Heaven sent for sure.

When we got home, I sat down to eat some lunch.  I realized I was really sore from my workout yesterday.  I don't want to toot my own horn or sound conceited.  I by NO MEANS have a super slender body or am really thin.  I love my food and I love the peanut butter chocolate chip pound cake that Evan and I finished in a matter of 2 days (in the spirit of honesty, he was gone for the majority of that ... I ate most of it).  HOWEVER, I am in shape.  I workout at least 5 times a week and my running skills aren't too shabby.  I did my personal best the other day and ran a 5K in 26:35 ... rather respectable.

Note: Part THREE of the shitty thing that happened to me is coming up ...  Here is the workout I did yesterday that got my butt, quads, inner thigh, triceps, AND chest sore:

Dear lord.  I did the Situation's (the idiota from Jersey Shore) Workout DVD because it streamed for free on our Wii and I needed a light workout day since I have really bad shin splints right now.  And, the situation got me sore.

That sentence sounded disgusting on many levels.  Not intended.  My bad. 

This lame-o DVD filled with about 100 sexual double entendres has my thighs and my butt hurting JUST as bad as Jillian Michaels.  Wow, apparently, yours truly isn't NEARLY as in shape as she thought.  Apparently doing 5 hours of exercise a week isn't cutting it.  THAT, or I need to do less cardio and more weights.  OK, that's definitely what happened, but either way, I'm a wimp.  That's the moral of the story.

And the fact that my car broke down AND the Situation from Jersey Shore taught me something all in one day?

Oy ... I should have just stayed in bed!

A Week That Went from Bad to Horrible

As I wrote about last post, Liliana was pretty sick with a fever.  When I typed that I would be updating you guys, I had no idea where my week would take us.  Unfortunately, the news was worse than I hoped.  This has been an incredibly tough week for us.  I am trying to stay strong in front of others, mainly because I don't want to take the time to acknowledge how unfortunate it has been.

I do want to talk about it all though, because writing is therapeutic, AND because I want to help other Mother's possibly going through the same thing with their kids.

On Tuesday, after I ate my cupcake, I put Liliana down for a nap.  When she woke up, she was burning and had a fever of 103.3.  I slightly freaked out, called my Mom (a pediatric radiologist) and she said that was awfully high but to try and wait until Evan got him for some advice.  An hour later, I took it again because the Ibuprofen didn't seem to be helping.  This time, it was 104.2. 

Evan gets horrible service in the hospital, so for the first time since he started medical school (which is basically 4 years ago) I called the hospital and told them to find my husband.  I stayed strong on the phone as best I could.  They told me that he was leaving RIGHT as I called.  Sure enough, Evan called me while I was saying good bye to the nurse.

As soon as he answered, my tears started.  I was so scared to see Liliana so red due to the fever and didn't know what was going on.  Evan rushed home while I packed everything up and on we went to the ER for the first time since she was born.  Fortunately, Evan knew the doctor on call and we were seen really quickly.  Liliana was diagnosed with a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) and an ear infection.  By the time we left the hospital, it was nearly 1 in the morning.  We started her on antibiotics that evening and went to bed concerned, but relieved that we had a diagnosis.

Wednesday proceeded with Liliana sleeping a lot.  We both thought we would be at work on Thursday.  If only ...

On Thursday morning, Liliana woke up with a fever of 104.2 again.  This time, I saw concern in Evan's face.  I trust Evan's medical opinion so very much ... after all, he'll be a doctor in approximately 3 weeks.  When I saw he was worried, I started going from worried to panicked.  We went in to see her pediatrician at 10:45.

Due to her severe fever, he decided to give her a shot of Rocefrin to truly treat the UTI.  He said she didn't in fact have an ear infection, but it was just that red because of her extreme fevers.  Then, he delivered the bad news.

He asked if anyone in Liliana's family had a history of UTI's.

I do.

I had plenty as an infant, and take medication any time after sexual intercourse to this day because I get UTI's so very easily.

As soon as he heard that, he ordered an Ultrasound and VCUG (I'll explain more in a second) on Liliana.

Fortunately, Dr. Tata (my Mommy) does this for a living so we decided we'd go to San Antonio to have the procedures done.  We quickly packed, closed on our house in Little Rock through mail (without even noticing what a big event that was) and were on our way.

On the way, my car broke down.  What are the freaking chances right?  This is another story in and of itself, but let me just say we have the best friends EVER.  They met us 30 minutes away from their home and let us use their car for the weekend so we could get Liliana's tests done.

We didn't end up arriving in San Antonio until nearly 1 a.m. because the trip took 10 hours instead of 6 due to car troubles.

The next morning, we went confidently to the hospital.  My Mom told us to relax because 5/6 of baby girls have normal results are having UTIs as infants.

Liliana's ultrasound was perfectly normal and that made me relax. Then the VCUG came.  For a VCUG, they put a catheter in Liliana and then inject a dye in to her bladder to make sure no urine moves.  A normal result stays in the bladder.  Liliana's was doing so with flying colors, but then I heard my Mom say ...

"oh no, she refluxed."

And sure enough, on the TV screen, I saw a line go from Liliana's bladder to her kidneys.  This is called stage 2 reflux.  The stages tell you how far up it goes in the body and range from 1 to 5.  While the results COULD have been SO much worse, they could have been better too.

I fully expected to be one of the 5/6 normal results.

We go see her pediatrician again on Thursday and he is going to start her on what's called prophylactic antibiotics.  These antibiotics ensure that Liliana will not have another UTI while she is taking them.  In another year we'll go back for ANOTHER VCUG and make sure that she has outgrown the reflux.  Hopefully, she will.

In the mean time, Liliana's antibiotics to get rid of the UTI have been helping.  It has been a tough week, not just because of this, but because of our car (what I'm assuming will be a HUGE unanticipated expense) and because of some other events that aren't my place to discuss here on this blog.

When I put Liliana to sleep the last few nights, I've had tears in my eyes because I feel at fault for these problems.  Liliana is SO much like her Daddy and the ONE thing that she got from Mommy was this health problem that VERY likely will go away ... but in the mean time, I'll worry.  Because I love that little girl more than words can say.

April 12th ... already

Today marks the 19th anniversary of my brother's death. 

I hate April 12th.  It's a day I dread all year long.  I know that, for the most part, starting on April 11th, I'll be a basketcase.  And this year was no exception.

Knowing how much pain my family has endured causes me to be in pain for them.  My Mother was driving the car and SAW her son pass.  Her 13 year old son.  Her brilliant son.  Her son that was going to be a world famous scientist.  Her son, my brother, the one that always WANTED to babysit his 6 year old younger sister.

The pain that she must feel ... I can't imagine it.  And for the last two days, I've been crying not so much because he is gone (although that of course makes me cry), but mainly because I can't imagine the pain she as gone through.

I've only been a mother for 10 1/2 months.  And if anything would happen to my daughter?  I think I would die inside.  I really do.  I would never be the same person again.  A smile would be forced.  I would never genuienly laugh again.

And while I see EVERY SINGLE day that my Mom lives with this pain, she somehow has endured.  She is such a strong woman.  Sometimes, she's too strong.  Sometimes I wish she would feel more comfortable to break out and cry with us.  But I know she's trying to be strong for all of us...because she's our Mamma bear. 

I often wonder what he would be like.  I wonder what our holidays would be like.  I wonder how he would have reacted to his nieces.  I wonder if HE would have had kids himself!

I've cried this year more than normal.  I had a severe headache last night from all the tears.  And fortunately my husband just holds me and lets me cry. 

Today though, I went to work and tried to be distracted as much as I could.  It wasn't the best day of work.  I had a kid threaten me and to the best of my knowledge, he was arrested afterwards.  Of all days for me to feel vulnerable...

When I got home though, Evan and I watched "Tangled" to help keep my mind off things.  It was cute.  Did the trick ... even though a few tears still came through.  Then we had some sweet friends come over for dinner since they knew today was a tough day.  We made a delicious spaghetti dinner and shared some laughs.

On a day like today, I feel like it's important to admit why I've been so adamant and so upset at myself for not fulfilling on my promise to "live for today."  Because the fact of the matter is that on any day, your world can fall apart.

And 19 years ago, today, it did.

Never Settled

I'm in this stage of my life where all I do is think about the future.  One of my New Years Resolutions was to "live for today" and I'm failing miserably.  All that I do is think "when is this going to happen? And when will this happen?  And what if this happens?"  Everything in my life ALWAYS feels like it's in limbo.  And quite frankly, I am so damn sick of it.

All last semester, I adjusted to my new career move and although I know I'm happier with the job, I must admit that it was a big blow to my ego as well.  I am not nearly as proud of myself to say 'I'm a teacher' as I was to say 'I'm a lawyer.'  Let's just say it doesn't elicit a very positive response when people found out I went to law school.

BUT now, with my new job (which by the way, I can officially announce is OFFICIAL because I signed my contract today) I'd be teaching economics and bethe Academic Support Coordinator (amongst MANY other things).  My degree will finally be used and I'm proud of this job.  I really truly am.  I got my dream job for this stage of my life.  And I think I'm pretty damn lucky.

I kept telling Evan that if I got that job, I'd feel content and settled.

BUT that's not the case.

Our house is still for sale.  We had SO much activity the first 3 weeks that we kept our heads held high. And now it's been over 3 weeks since we had a SHOWING!  No calls, no nada.  It's so depressing.  So even though we've both gained employment and even though I found Liliana a daycare that I'm content with in Little Rock, I just spend my time stressing while thinking about a double mortgage payment.

So now I keep saying "when the house sells, I'll feel settled."  But will I?  I'd love to say I would.  And I know for sure that the stress will go down greatly, but I'm sure I'll find a new thing.

I need to LEARN to live for today and rejoice for the good things!  I mean for petes sake, I got a freaking JOB!  In this economy, I got a job without struggle. I'm so fortunate.

So after the house sells ... yes ... that's my new goal.  I'll live for today once the stupid blasted thing sells.  In the mean time, we'll keep cleaning for HOURS every single weekend, staging the house every morning before we leave, and keeping everything in that "we don't live here" look. 

A Personal Post About SO Many Things

It's been a week since I wrote last and what a week it has been!  I have three announcements, and one is obviously the most important, so I'll start there:

(1) my best friend, Kristen had her baby on Thursday!  She was nearly 41 weeks when he made his debut, but he came out at a PERFECT 7 lbs 7 oz.  Baby Clayton is a GORGEOUS newborn!  I can't wait to meet him next week.

 It makes me sentimental to see this picture ... just a few short 10 months ago, I was taking a very similar picture with Liliana (except I didn't look nearly as poised as Kristen!)!

(2)  Remember how I mentioned I had a job interview in Little Rock a few weeks ago?  Well, I stayed rather mum on it, but now I can give you more (not complete disclosure) but more information.  I interviewed for what honestly, would be my DREAM job.  This school is ridiculously nice and pristine, the kids were brilliant, and the goal of the school awe-inspiring.  I went for a THREE hour interview.  I interviewed with the head of school, head of upper school, head of middle school, and head of an academic achievement center. I left hoping, praying, whatever else you can do, that I would get this job.  The head of school mentioned quite a few things he'd want me to do, and I had some that I wanted more than others, but more than anything, I just wanted to be THERE.  The next day, they called and wanted me to audition and teach a 40 minute class on Free Enterprise (Economics).  I immediately went to work and made a funny and cute power point, made a handout, and study guide for the students.  The last few weeks I've been SO anxious to hear back.  We've been going back and forth talking and finally I heard on Friday and it looks good!  I'll be teaching Economics, Music theory (I minored in music), AND do any legal work that would come up.  It truly is perfect. I get to use my passion for teaching, my love of music, AND my law degree to work!  How PERFECT!

(3) LAST, after MUCH consideration, I have decided to give the Monday Minute a break.  Honestly, I have a TON of stuff going on and it's so difficult to find time to do it.  PLUS, I feel like I don't get to blog about things I WANT to blog about anymore since I know I have the responsibility of the Monday Minute.  I've been straying from things I WANT to write about for some reason and have felt rather unmotivated by my blog for the last few months. I used to LOVE writing on my blog and the last few months, it has felt like a burden more than anything.  I want to go back to my days of carefree writing and I think eliminating the Monday Minute for a while (or maybe indefinitely) is a good first step at accomplishing this. If someone WANTS to take over the MM, just comment or email me.  I'd completely understand.  I hope you guys understand.  I'm going to start being ME more.  I want to write about what has been going on in our lives more: how distraught and concerned I am about the fact that our home is still on the market, how excited and yet financially worried I am about preparing and moving in to our next home, how I often feel like a bad  Mother, etc.  I need to write about those things, and starting soon, I'll hopefully get back to that.  Stay tuned.

Burnt Out

The last couple weeks have been tough and exhausting.  Evan has been working nights lately, and a BUNCH of them too...since February 28th, he has been gone 7 evenings.  If you do the math, that's almost every single night.  He works 7 pm to 7 am.  I get home from work around 4:45. Evan leaves at 6:30.  So that means I see him for less than 2 hours a day.  I miss him a lot.

And then there's this whiney girl in me that misses his help.  Working full time AND doing everything around the house got exhausting this week.  I truly have SO much respect for single mothers.  I don't know how they do it!  When Liliana's at her best, it's not tough.  But this week she got sick for a couple days.  She had a fever that lasted momentarily, but then she got a bunch of ulcers in her throat poor darling.  This obvioulsy made her really fussy.  THAT was when I realized how helpful it is to have a husband that helps me SO much.

When I say that he helps more than I've ever seen, I mean that.  I've had SO SO SO many women tell me that they've never seen a father as helpful and involved as Evan (this includes my sister-in-law, Mom, AND Mother-in-law). Every woman sees Evan going grocery shopping with her, or to the restroom to change her diaper and they look at me in amazement like .... "how were you so lucky to get that?" Evan LOVES watching Liliana.  He thinks it's a blast to change her diaper.  And if she wakes up early on the weekend?  He insists SOMEHOW that I've had a tough week and that he should get up and be with her.  When she was a newborn, he got up MORE often in the middle of the night than I did.  And, he NEVER ONCE complained.  He did it, from the kindness of his heart. I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful to see the love he has for his little one.

To add to my stress this week is of course the fact that our house is on the market.  Keeping a pristine home is TOUGH!  I never realized how often I leave little things around the house, or how much of a pain it would be to put laundry and dishes away immediately in case I get a call that the house is going to show. 

The additional stress?  We're going to Little Rock this Thursday!  Why?  I have TWO job interviews!

Yes, that's GREAT news.  But, I have to pack all my stuff, Liliana's stuff, arrange for the dog to go to the kennel, talk to the neighbors so they can turn the lamps on in our house every morning in case it shows, etc etc.

As for my interviews, I can't say too much about them, however ... hopefully I'll have some more news for you guys when I get back!  We'll see...just wish me luck.

Through all this stress, I've just kept telling myself to relax, because guess what I'll be seeing on Saturday?

OUR NEW HOUSE!  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!

Want a couple pictures as a sneak peek?

LOVE my soon-to-be kitchen!

YAY for granite countertops, I won't have to worry about putting trivets under everything everyday now.

The view that sold me on the internet.

I LOVE open floor plans in houses.  The living room, kitchen, AND an eating area all in one room.  

I'm in love.

EEEEE....SO PSYCHED! 

I'm so excited to decorate a new house (with the same stuff I have now, but still).

Yeah, seeing the house is going to be a BLAST.  And hopefully my interviews will go well and BOTH lead to offers.  And hopefully while we're there, the house here will sell!

P.S. I forgot to mention...my throat is super sore now.  Sigh ... the joy of getting all your kids colds! ; )

P.P.S. Sorry I just wrote a post bitching about everything.  I'm entitled to it ... I've been sleeping horribly without my sexy man wrapping his arms around me. BOO! haha.

Giveaway Winner Chicken Dinner! And, my day sucked, bad.

today I had a really freakin horrbile day. I'll talk about that in a second, bu in the mean time, I am so excited to announce that the winner of a soon to be custom portrait from SweetPea is ...



Well crud .. I can't get it to SHOW the number it generated, but it WAS #7 and that lucky winner WAS ...

GINA LUV who said: " i love shannon's work! I love love love everything she does. I would love to get a photo done for my mom or even one for me! or a gift for somebody! There are just so many people I would love to give a cartoon like this too! :)gina"

 I'm so excited for you Gina and I hope winning this made you smile!

As for my day ... let me start by saying that it is quite cold here.  I know it's cold everywhere, but NEGATIVE 15 is getting old.  I woke up in a rather cheerful mood though and decided that since we were delayed 2 hours, I would do a couple loads of laundry before leaving work.  I was enjoying a bowl of cereal and playing with Liliana when all of the sudden I heard HUGE amounts of water landing on my floor.  Our washing machine just RANDOMLY went crazy and our laundry room had water ALL OVER it.  Evan wasn't home because he was having an ultrasound done due to very high blood pressure.  So not only was I incredibly worried about Evan, but then this happened too?

I tried to mop it up, best I could, by getting the Shop Vac.  At the EXACT same time that this happened, I realized Liliana had taken a major poop and had to change that while water continued to fall on the floor.

Turns out one of the pipes was pretty clogged with hair and lint.  Evan came home for a little while and we attempted to work on it.  After a million mishaps, it was already 1 o'clock and going to work would have been fruitless since I had a hair appointment in very little time after that.

At least I'd have a haircut to fix things right?

Wrong.

She cut it SHORT.  I said to my SHOULDERS.  It's to my CHIN.  I was trying to cut it shorter because I've heard I look older with it shorter and my kiddos keep telling me how young I look.  That's a good thing, but not when I'm trying to be an authoritative figure.

I hate it. 

I don't usually complain about my haircuts, but this one looks so yucky and so ... well ... it's a MOM haircut!  I'm not ready for those yet guys!

So, I'm going to bed now and hopefully, by tomorrow morning, my hair will have grown a couple inches, our washing machine will NEVER do that EVER AGAIN, and most importantly, Evan's health issues will go away!