Never Settled

I'm in this stage of my life where all I do is think about the future.  One of my New Years Resolutions was to "live for today" and I'm failing miserably.  All that I do is think "when is this going to happen? And when will this happen?  And what if this happens?"  Everything in my life ALWAYS feels like it's in limbo.  And quite frankly, I am so damn sick of it.

All last semester, I adjusted to my new career move and although I know I'm happier with the job, I must admit that it was a big blow to my ego as well.  I am not nearly as proud of myself to say 'I'm a teacher' as I was to say 'I'm a lawyer.'  Let's just say it doesn't elicit a very positive response when people found out I went to law school.

BUT now, with my new job (which by the way, I can officially announce is OFFICIAL because I signed my contract today) I'd be teaching economics and bethe Academic Support Coordinator (amongst MANY other things).  My degree will finally be used and I'm proud of this job.  I really truly am.  I got my dream job for this stage of my life.  And I think I'm pretty damn lucky.

I kept telling Evan that if I got that job, I'd feel content and settled.

BUT that's not the case.

Our house is still for sale.  We had SO much activity the first 3 weeks that we kept our heads held high. And now it's been over 3 weeks since we had a SHOWING!  No calls, no nada.  It's so depressing.  So even though we've both gained employment and even though I found Liliana a daycare that I'm content with in Little Rock, I just spend my time stressing while thinking about a double mortgage payment.

So now I keep saying "when the house sells, I'll feel settled."  But will I?  I'd love to say I would.  And I know for sure that the stress will go down greatly, but I'm sure I'll find a new thing.

I need to LEARN to live for today and rejoice for the good things!  I mean for petes sake, I got a freaking JOB!  In this economy, I got a job without struggle. I'm so fortunate.

So after the house sells ... yes ... that's my new goal.  I'll live for today once the stupid blasted thing sells.  In the mean time, we'll keep cleaning for HOURS every single weekend, staging the house every morning before we leave, and keeping everything in that "we don't live here" look. 

A Personal Post About SO Many Things

It's been a week since I wrote last and what a week it has been!  I have three announcements, and one is obviously the most important, so I'll start there:

(1) my best friend, Kristen had her baby on Thursday!  She was nearly 41 weeks when he made his debut, but he came out at a PERFECT 7 lbs 7 oz.  Baby Clayton is a GORGEOUS newborn!  I can't wait to meet him next week.

 It makes me sentimental to see this picture ... just a few short 10 months ago, I was taking a very similar picture with Liliana (except I didn't look nearly as poised as Kristen!)!

(2)  Remember how I mentioned I had a job interview in Little Rock a few weeks ago?  Well, I stayed rather mum on it, but now I can give you more (not complete disclosure) but more information.  I interviewed for what honestly, would be my DREAM job.  This school is ridiculously nice and pristine, the kids were brilliant, and the goal of the school awe-inspiring.  I went for a THREE hour interview.  I interviewed with the head of school, head of upper school, head of middle school, and head of an academic achievement center. I left hoping, praying, whatever else you can do, that I would get this job.  The head of school mentioned quite a few things he'd want me to do, and I had some that I wanted more than others, but more than anything, I just wanted to be THERE.  The next day, they called and wanted me to audition and teach a 40 minute class on Free Enterprise (Economics).  I immediately went to work and made a funny and cute power point, made a handout, and study guide for the students.  The last few weeks I've been SO anxious to hear back.  We've been going back and forth talking and finally I heard on Friday and it looks good!  I'll be teaching Economics, Music theory (I minored in music), AND do any legal work that would come up.  It truly is perfect. I get to use my passion for teaching, my love of music, AND my law degree to work!  How PERFECT!

(3) LAST, after MUCH consideration, I have decided to give the Monday Minute a break.  Honestly, I have a TON of stuff going on and it's so difficult to find time to do it.  PLUS, I feel like I don't get to blog about things I WANT to blog about anymore since I know I have the responsibility of the Monday Minute.  I've been straying from things I WANT to write about for some reason and have felt rather unmotivated by my blog for the last few months. I used to LOVE writing on my blog and the last few months, it has felt like a burden more than anything.  I want to go back to my days of carefree writing and I think eliminating the Monday Minute for a while (or maybe indefinitely) is a good first step at accomplishing this. If someone WANTS to take over the MM, just comment or email me.  I'd completely understand.  I hope you guys understand.  I'm going to start being ME more.  I want to write about what has been going on in our lives more: how distraught and concerned I am about the fact that our home is still on the market, how excited and yet financially worried I am about preparing and moving in to our next home, how I often feel like a bad  Mother, etc.  I need to write about those things, and starting soon, I'll hopefully get back to that.  Stay tuned.

Burnt Out

The last couple weeks have been tough and exhausting.  Evan has been working nights lately, and a BUNCH of them too...since February 28th, he has been gone 7 evenings.  If you do the math, that's almost every single night.  He works 7 pm to 7 am.  I get home from work around 4:45. Evan leaves at 6:30.  So that means I see him for less than 2 hours a day.  I miss him a lot.

And then there's this whiney girl in me that misses his help.  Working full time AND doing everything around the house got exhausting this week.  I truly have SO much respect for single mothers.  I don't know how they do it!  When Liliana's at her best, it's not tough.  But this week she got sick for a couple days.  She had a fever that lasted momentarily, but then she got a bunch of ulcers in her throat poor darling.  This obvioulsy made her really fussy.  THAT was when I realized how helpful it is to have a husband that helps me SO much.

When I say that he helps more than I've ever seen, I mean that.  I've had SO SO SO many women tell me that they've never seen a father as helpful and involved as Evan (this includes my sister-in-law, Mom, AND Mother-in-law). Every woman sees Evan going grocery shopping with her, or to the restroom to change her diaper and they look at me in amazement like .... "how were you so lucky to get that?" Evan LOVES watching Liliana.  He thinks it's a blast to change her diaper.  And if she wakes up early on the weekend?  He insists SOMEHOW that I've had a tough week and that he should get up and be with her.  When she was a newborn, he got up MORE often in the middle of the night than I did.  And, he NEVER ONCE complained.  He did it, from the kindness of his heart. I am so thankful for that.  I am so thankful to see the love he has for his little one.

To add to my stress this week is of course the fact that our house is on the market.  Keeping a pristine home is TOUGH!  I never realized how often I leave little things around the house, or how much of a pain it would be to put laundry and dishes away immediately in case I get a call that the house is going to show. 

The additional stress?  We're going to Little Rock this Thursday!  Why?  I have TWO job interviews!

Yes, that's GREAT news.  But, I have to pack all my stuff, Liliana's stuff, arrange for the dog to go to the kennel, talk to the neighbors so they can turn the lamps on in our house every morning in case it shows, etc etc.

As for my interviews, I can't say too much about them, however ... hopefully I'll have some more news for you guys when I get back!  We'll see...just wish me luck.

Through all this stress, I've just kept telling myself to relax, because guess what I'll be seeing on Saturday?

OUR NEW HOUSE!  FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!

Want a couple pictures as a sneak peek?

LOVE my soon-to-be kitchen!

YAY for granite countertops, I won't have to worry about putting trivets under everything everyday now.

The view that sold me on the internet.

I LOVE open floor plans in houses.  The living room, kitchen, AND an eating area all in one room.  

I'm in love.

EEEEE....SO PSYCHED! 

I'm so excited to decorate a new house (with the same stuff I have now, but still).

Yeah, seeing the house is going to be a BLAST.  And hopefully my interviews will go well and BOTH lead to offers.  And hopefully while we're there, the house here will sell!

P.S. I forgot to mention...my throat is super sore now.  Sigh ... the joy of getting all your kids colds! ; )

P.P.S. Sorry I just wrote a post bitching about everything.  I'm entitled to it ... I've been sleeping horribly without my sexy man wrapping his arms around me. BOO! haha.

Umm...THAT just happened...AGAIN!

So, remember how yesterday I wrote a post about my exciting new job?  That was cool.

Today, I was in Banana Republic trying on some sexy, yet outrageously conservative outfits (because by the way, their clearance items are an ADDITIONAL 40% off right now) and the phone rang.

It was an 806 number.  806 is the Lubbock area code.  And, I thought "oh my goodness...you've GOT to be kidding.  I got a teaching position didn't I?"

Sure enough.  It was an Assistant Principal and they were wondering if I'd be interested being an "interventionist."  My job is basically to help students that aren't understanding certain concepts and teach them in 30 minute increments.  It pays LESS than the law firm does, but substantially more than a substitute job would.  I told him I would have to think about it because money side of me was concerned. 

But then I remembered...I WANT TO TEACH!  This is AMAZING!  I called him back around 5 and told him the flat out truth.

"Umm...sir, I know typically you guys go through an interview process with multiple candidates, but here's the deal: I start another job TOMORROW."

The assistant principal told me to give him 5 to 10 minutes and he'd call me back.

Fast forward three and a half hours.  I was defeated and sad.  I told Evan I would NEVER get a teaching job and that they weren't even going to interveiw me because I had been too much of a pain on the phone (yeah, I can occasionally be overly dramatic).

At 8:30 (p.m. yeah.  Respect your principals...they work LATE!), the principal of the school called me and we had a 20 minute talking session.  I call it a talking session, but truthfully, it was an interview.  I just didn't know it at the time!

Long story short...I GOT THE JOB!  And when a full time teaching position becomes available, guess who has a great shot at it?  THAT'S RIGHT PEOPLE...

Call me Mrs. Teacher! : )

My birthday is tomorrow by the way.  And, I feel pretty damn happy.

Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go do a VERY mature something and drink some wine with my husband to celebrate.

Wow, THAT Just Happened ... AND, Winner of the Giveaway

 First of all, let's go with the winner of the giveaway from CSN stores! 



I don't know how to make the Result appear, but it was #29 and you guys are just gonna have to take my word for it mmmk?

Congrats to mamipdx!!  You WON!  And, you said you would spend the $65 on a safety booster seat, so of course this brand new Mommy is THRILLED to hear you'll be spending it for your own baby's safety and it'll be used for something you'll use ALL the time!  Expect an email from me soon and an email from CSN soon as well!  CONGRATS GIRL!

As for the OTHER part of this title...

um...I have a job.

Yeah, that just happened!  Before you think I'll be teaching, that's actually not what happened.  Believe it or not, it's with a law firm!  I got a call from a law firm at 4 o'clock today.  The attorney said that my ex-boss highly recommended me and that he needed someone to do work for him.  I NEVER applied for this.  I had no idea what was going on for the first 30 seconds of our conversation.  Once I gathered that he wanted to interview me, I calmly thanked him for the opportunity for an interview, but told him I had just had a baby and had not taken the bar.

He was TOTALLY cool with that.  And, said "can you come in NOW to see the office?"

Me: jaw drops, while I'm huffing and puffing..."well sir, I just finished working out, so you would not want to see me or smell me right now.  Can I shower first?"

After my shower I realized "shit shit shit...I haven't even attempted to fit in to my suit!  What if I don't fit in to my pre-pregnancy suit?"  Well suckas...let me tell ya something.  That stuff zipped and I looked FAAABULOUS, all lawyerly and stuff. 

Forty five minutes later, I was at the law firm getting a tour and within 30 minutes of being home, he called me, offered me a full time position and VOILA!

I'm BEYOND psyched about having a job.  You guys don't understand.  We've been thoroughly broke FOREVER.  Those loans were only going up and up and up.  And while the pay is surely not going to make us rich any time soon, and no this isn't a teaching position, this is AMAZING.  It will pay for our living expenses and a bit more, and it'll be using my degree, which of course is great too.  The boss also seemed positive on giving me more job opportunities if I ever do decide to take the bar.  Really, this is a win/ win situation.

ONLY downside.  I start Thursday.  On my birthday. 

"Happy Birthday Cristina!  Now get your cute little booty to work."

I Used to Like the Limbo

My world is full of changes lately.  My world is in a state of limbo.  First off, speaking of changes, do you guys like my new blog?? I got it made over by Bailey and she did SUCH a fantastic job.  If anybody else is considering getting theirs redone, I highly recommend doing it with her, she was perfect.   You see, before our wonderful oops (aka Liliana) Evan and I were going to go on a cruise after my bar exam.  It was going to be our present to ourselves for both sticking through this, for both going to graduate school, and for both making it through the roughest years of school.  But, then our Lilibear decided she didn't want us to go on a cruise, which we were completely fine with...we love her to pieces.  However, I decided I was still due a little present for this studying, so I decided to have my blog redone.  I'm so happy I did.  It matches my personality perfectly and I hope everyone likes it!

But...about limbo...

Back in college, I was the limbo girl.  Get a few drinks in me, and I could limbo like crazy...won quite a few competitions at parties actually, thank you very much.  Back in college, I liked the word limbo.

 

 Limbo Queen!

However, now, our lives never seem set.  That is getting really old.  Evan and I have spent the last week trying to plan out the next few weeks of our lives.  So much of it is..."well IF this happens, then we'll do this, and IF this happens we'll do that."  Ugh.  It's distracting with all my studying and is making me wonder what I really want out of life.

First off, Evan's trying to decide what he wants to do with his life.  Does he want to pursue Urology or Ob/ Gyn.  He keeps going back and forth with his decision and it's weighing down on him.  If he does Urology, our chances of him actually getting accepted are narrowed down to pretty much Lubbock or San Antonio because Urology is the third most competitive residency in the nation.  Who would have thought that penises and prostates were so competitive?  Then, out of the blue, Evan loved his Ob/Gyn rotation throughout this third year.  He has lots of options that he wouldn't mind pursuing afterwards such as Maternal Fetal, Gyn Onc or Uro Gyn (translation: high risk pregnancies, cancer, or woman urological issues).  If Evan pursues an Ob/ Gyn residency, then our options would be much more flexible because it's not nearly as competitive as Urology.  Plus, I don't know about you guys, but I wouldn't mind having this handsome chap be my Ob/Gyn!!

                          Hubba hubba!

So recently, we've started wondering if we want to go out of state.  This then brought up the question of whether I want to pursue a "traditional" legal job and get a job with a firm or get a "non-traditional" job and not necessarily practice at a firm.   I know for a fact that I want to be a working Mom, this has never come in to our conversations.  However, I'm not sure if I could handle a firm job that requires so much time when I know my husband will be gone 80 hours a week throughout his four years of residency.  I'd essentially be a single Mom those years.  That being said, I want a job that is worth my degree and worth my time.  I want a job that I would be proud of.  That is very important to me and fortunately my husband understands and encourages that.  

So, we have decisions to make, and they're complicated.

For now, our plans are to see if I pass the bar exam.  If I do, then we'll try to stay in Texas and I'll try go the traditional route because I do like quite a few areas of the law and I loved the work I did at the firm I clerked for throughout my third year.  If I got a job here in Lubbock at a firm, I would stay working there and Evan would do residency here and things would continue just fine!  

If I don't pass the bar however (which, to be completely honest is looking really likely right now), then I think we're going to try to go out of state for residency.  Evan and I have loved being on our own these three years of marriage.  I know that many couples love being close to their families, and eventually we will be too.  But for now, this has suited us well.  It has made us grow as a couple and now with Liliana, as a family. I am a very independent person, so I think the desire to get out of Texas stems from that.  Fortunately, Evan wants to go along for the ride and I can tell he's excited about this possibility.

So, now we're seeing where would we want to live???  Phoenix, St. Louis, and a couple cities in Florida are on our list.  The nice thing about some of these is that the housing market isn't horrendously expensive and it could afford me some time to get a decent job to warrant all my hard work through law school.  We would probably rent a house for a while because the salaries that they give residents are pretty bad. Also, we have pretty strict guidelines.  It can't be too cold (have you noticed these cities are in the South?  We like warm weather.  But the city has to be big enough where I could have plenty of job opportunities.  We need companies big enough to have HR opportunities, consulting jobs, financial planning jobs, etc...basically places where I could use my degree.  I should mention: I can't practice law in other states because I would have to retake the bar and get licensed in that individual state since I wouldn't have practiced in Texas yet.  Taking yet another bar is not an option...call me lazy, but I will not be studying for the bar in another state.  No sir.

Anyway, we'll make it work.  And at the end of the day while this is stressing us out like crazy (can't you tell?) we always go to bed saying the same thing...

As long as we're by each others side, it'll all work out...it'll all work out.

"We Just Don't Have the Business"

Today sucks.  There's just no other way to put it.

I finally heard from the firm that I've been working for since July.  And, I know that I kept saying the chances didn't look good, but when you finally hear...god...it sucked.  I officially heard the, "The partners met and we decided we just don't have enough business to hire another associate."

It sucked.

I am in such a shitty mood about it all.  Like I said, I know that I had said the chances were small.  But for some reason, it just really sucks to hear it.  I'm so freaking disappointed in myself.  I don't particularly know there was anything else I could have done, but I'm still disappointed.  Chances are I'm going to graduate from law school, be a J.D., have a doctorate, and be unemployed.  This isn't how I had planned my life. 

I don't want to be a stay at home Mom.

I know many people want to be and I think that's commendable and great.  But, I really think this is a personal decision.  I will have an entire blog post about this some time.  But for now, these are just the thoughts going through my head.  I don't want to be a stay at home Mother.  I don't think I would be happy doing it.  I want to practice law and be proud of MYSELF when the day is said and done.

And right now, I'm not feeling very proud of myself...not one bit.

There are still options out there.  This isn't the end of the job road for me.  I have a few applications out there and one of them that's really promising, so maybe I should just focus on that today so that I won't start crying in class. 

but first, I have to pee because Liliana has the hiccups and I think she keeps hitting my bladder....be right back...

And then there's moments like the above where I smiled AND she's not even born yet.  I just need to keep telling myself everything will be ok.  And I know I'm pregnant and I'm so blessed to be, but the pregnancy is an US thing.  Evan and I did that together.  What about me? 

I want to be happy with MYSELF and proud of MYSELF.  Graduating from law school doesn't mean shit if I'm not employed.  I'm not proud of myself for just graduating.  If anything, I'm more disappointed becuase I AM graduating, and I have NOTHING to show for it. 

I am really hard on myself.  I realize that.  It's just the way I am.  Most people aren't nearlly this upset to hear a "no" or to be unemployed or to be staying at home with their bundle of joy.  Again, I'm hard on myself.  Probably TOO hard on myself.  It's a flaw I have.  But it's a flaw that has helped me in life because I've always gotten what I wanted...until now.

Enough negative thinking right?  Again, I have other options out there and especially one of them is promising, the pay is pretty damn good (about the same that I would have made at the firm), and I would be very happy there.  However, I don't want to type about it just yet because that seems to be bad luck.

To the positive.  I'm REALLY looking foward to this weekend.  Thanks goodness, Kristen and Darren are coming into town today to spend some time with us and we're gonna go out for dinner and come home and relax.  It will be really nice to be with great friends.  It'll be a time to get our mind off things and just hang out together. Then on Saturday, we have the birthing class and then the Lubbock baby shower.  It'll be a great couple of days, and I need it.

The Possibility of Being Excited is Beyond Scary

I've been really reluctant to post about my subject today. I have a huge fear of failure. I don't want to admit how badly I want a job after I graduate...especially one I'm proud of. But in all honesty, I would feel like the biggest failure if I graduated and six months later, was staying at home with Liliana. I could have done the same thing without going to law school. I would feel like I let myself down, I let the school down (what a waste of a scholarship), I let my husband down, and you know what, like I let my daughter down. I want her to be proud of her mama...and I know that being a lawyer isn't going to do that, but if I'm a confident person, I'll be happier and more successful in life (not just a money thing, just life in general). Those qualities make it easier to be proud of me. I want her to know that the world is her limit. She can do whatever she wants. I worked for my goals, and I want her to know she can work towards hers, whatever they are.

So here goes...

I've been working at a firm here in Lubbock since July. I interviewed with them through OCI and was beyond thrilled when he called to say that they chose me out of thirty applicants! Out of thirty...I couldn't believe it. These people had better grades and I thought I had bombed my interview, but he saw something, and I was hooked with this place (not to mention the pay was more than I had made in my life, so Evan started calling me his sugar mama immediately and that lasted until August, which I gotta admit, felt pretty damn good). They worked me hard over the summer, but I was in heaven. I finally felt "lawyerly" and when I came home, I was beaming...I had seen so much, done so much, and challenged myself so much. I was happy. So I, very timidly and after millions of dry runs in my head, asked the hiring partner if I could stay on throughout the school year as a third year law clerk. After all that deliberation in my head, he said yes without a problem.

Once the fall semester started, I told them I was interested in an associate position after graduation and they told me they would consider it at their partner meetings (held once a month). Some things to note: there are 8 partners - all male, all white. I definitely stand out like a sore thumb at the firm, but I'm happy there. I could see myself there. I asked all the other associates when they were hired, and they said between April and June, so I realize I still have so much time left to wait...but it's hard.

When I told one of the partners I was pregnant, he offered a very quiet Congratulations and I never heard anything about it again, still haven't really. Not one partner has congratulated me (not that I expect people to be proud of it or anything, but ignoring it, I dunno, doesn't seem right either. I don't know what the right response is, I'm just typing my thoughts). I had to take two days off last semester when I had some spotting and was put on bed rest. So of course, all I thought those two days was how much this was killing my job chances, which truly, is unfair. It sucks being a girl sometimes.

This semester started and I asked them the status of my chances and the prognosis wasn't good. They don't know if they have the money to hire an associate this upcoming year, which is incredibly common with law in the United States. In fact, I had honestly expected to hear a flat out NO as most firms are doing in Houston and Dallas (heard of hiring freezes?). I went home rather defeated, but at least had started coming around to the fact that most likely, coupled with the pregnancy and their lack of enthusiasm (and yes, I'm aware this is against the law if they consider it, but if law school has taught me anything, it's that the law isn't always followed, so I better start learning how to deal with this retribution now), I would have to search for a job elsewhere. Last years graduating class had a 36% hired rate after graduation, so I would just have to do what the great majority of law students have to do...live off of absolutely NO MONEY until you get licensed in November (yes, that's 6 months after graduation) and start job hunting.

Well, this week, things changed. One of the female associates got another job and is leaving the firm. They didn't know this when they told me that the money might not be there and of course, they have more work that will need to be done by someone. Plus, she does probate work (my favorite!). This could potentially, be my dream job, but I don't know if her leaving chances anything.

SO, here I am again, with the hope I had months ago...and I don't know what to do. Do I go in a couple months and ask again what my chances are? Do I go ask them sooner? Do I put in EVEN MORE hours at the firm so they can forget my huge belly and notice how hard I work? Is that worth it? My mind tells me not to get excited, but I can't help it. In the mean time, I've possibly set myself up for a huge feeling of failure. When that happens and they officially tell me NO (which won't be for a while and which, to be honest, I think is what will happen), I'll write a blog post hating myself for writing this one in the first place, and I'll feel like a failure.

But you know, life works in funny ways...if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be (or so I'll keep telling myself right?). I know I'll get a job somewhere. It doesn't HAVE to be there. I'll just have to search...but that'll happen at a later time.