Making Time

Last night Evan stayed home cleaning the house with Gloria while I ran to the post office to have a date with Liliana.  Evan and I try to each have our Liliana one-on-one time to remind her how special she is to us.  She LOVES this time with us.  She's a great helper at the post office too! :)  On my way home we stopped at Kroger to get some chips and I decided it was a great evening to rent a movie and cuddle on the couch with my man.

Cuddle nights on the couch are one of our favorite pasttimes.  We're BIG on putting the kiddos to sleep and making us time.  Lately we've really focused on getting the kids down for bed at a decent hour so that we can spend time together SANS kiddos.  I realize this isn't the easiest task with a two year old and a two month old, but I must say, we're excelling!  The girls took naps at the same time on Saturday AND Sunday and both were asleep by 9 pm each night. This means we get LOTS of time together as a couple (I mean that in the hubba hubba way and in just the fun sitting on the couch watching a movie way).

I rented a movie I had been wanting to see for a while called "Friends with Kids." The movie is your typical decent romantic comedy: 6 friends (two of them couples) .... 2 of them having kids, those two couples seem miserable.  The two single friends decide to have a kid together but not be togheter. Spoiler alert: they end up falling in love with eachother. WHAT?  Didn't see that coming! ; )

Anyway, the movie really focused on the miserable aspect of having kids and the number it does on a marriage.  This kinda pissed me off.  It doesn't HAVE to be like that.

YES the kiddos are time consuming.  YES Evan and I have less down time than we used to, but it DOES NOT consume our lives.  We have a 2 month old and a 27 month old and both work full-time jobs (his counts as two jobs actually).  And yet, we still MAKE the time.

One of my pet peeves is when people say they don't HAVE the time to do something.  "We don't HAVE the time to clean." "We don't HAVE the time to workout." "We don't HAVE the time to ...." you get the picture.

NONE of those statements are true.

You HAVE the time.  You just don't MAKE the time.

Honestly I don't MAKE the time to clean our house often enough.  I've realized it won't be spotless and the vacuum will be run about every week and a half.  And that's as good as we're going to do it because I would rather have a cuddle night on the couch with my husband.

We MAKE the time to be together.  Having kids hasn't changed the hubba hubba time AT ALL ... it's just as strong as ever (TMI sorry!) and same with just watching movies etc.  We make it a priority.  If we have work to do (be it the etsy shop or Evan's job since he not only has to work 80 hours but is required to write papers as well), we say "we'll work for 30 minutes and then we're done and will spend time together."

One BIG change we've made since having kids?  We're on the internet and on our phones SO much less.  Our computers don't get turned on for DAYS sometimes.  We used to surf the internet while sitting next to each other but now, our time is more limited since we do have the kids taking more of it so we MAKE the time by putting the laptop away and spending time together.

We spend time together by reading books side by side, by playing games (cards, board games, or even a 2 player game on our tablet that we've been particularly addicted to lately), by baking together (which often results in flirting by putting brownie batter on each others cheeks etc).

During the movie, Evan had his arms wrapped around me and told me something that he says frequently but I never get tired of hearing:

"You're my favorite."

I love when he tells me that.  I'm his favorite.  And he's mine.  And that is  SO worth making time for.

Having kids doesn't have to kill your relationship.  I don't even believe it has to slow it down.  You just work with it. And if you're lucky, like we are, you find so much joy in your new found family that you're happier than ever before.

Like Highschool All Over Again

Evan was off this weekend which was such a treat.  We haven't really been able to have time to "sigh" and "relax" in nearly a month.  This weekend we had a TON of things planned and got basically NONE of it accomplished.

It was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING.

Sometimes when you have children, you don't realize how much you talk about them.  And yes they're SO important and you should talk about them a lot, but without realizing it, you don't talk about your lives enough.

On Tuesday, I asked our neighbor (who had been asking multiple times "when can I help watch one of the girls?") if they could watch Liliana so Evan and I could go get some ice cream.  She said yes, but nearly right after that, Evan's aunt texted and said "Can we keep Liliana over night on Saturday?  We miss her too much!"  While we love our Liliana and love spending time with her, I knew that since we would have all Friday evening and Saturday during the day with her, we would have a great time and knew she was in great hands.

We dropped Liliana off (actually, Liliana kicked us out ... about 5 minutes after we dropper her off she said "ok Mommy, bye bye!"  When I asked her if she'd miss us, she quickly told me "no."  HAHA.  Gee, thanks Lili!) around 5:30 and took Gloria to Bravo (an Italian restaurant that's pretty darn yummy.  Their lasagna is awesome).  We both bought drinks (my first alcoholic drink in nearly a year!) and Gloria slept through the entire dinner.

And we talked.  And talked.  And talked.

It's amazing how we never run out of things to talk about.  I see him nearly everyday, we text a few times everyday, and we do a really damn good job of always staying in communication with each other, but I still want to know MORE about my husband.  I want to feel like I'm falling in love all over again, constantly.

And that's exactly what this dinner did.

We talked about my future, about his job, about his plans, etc. I love knowing what Evan does all day.  Since he works such long hours, I want to feel like I'm there as much as possible.  I want to hear about his challenges, his victories, and how happy he is to have chosen what he loves to do.  The world of a Urologist is lost on most people, and though I know more than most since my husband is one, I still know SO very little.  He told me about the different cancers he sees on a daily basis, his favorite thing, his least favorite thing to do, etc. etc.

Knowing what he does all day, how much GOOD he does during the day, and the sometimes funny things he is told as well (I can't repeat them on this blog, but if you can imagine, as a Urologist he sees and hears some pretty great stuff) just made me respect him all the more.

When we got home from dinner, we watched "Salmon Fishing in the Yemen."  HIGHLY recommended.  SUPER cute movie.  We cuddled on the couch, talked more, kissed some, stared at Gloria, and realized that we are so blessed to have what we have.

I often realize how fortunate I am to have two beautiful girls in my lives.  And I often sit back and notice how fortunate I am to have a husband that makes me feel gorgeous, loves me unconditionally, and is my perfect match.  But this weekend really made me realize that a million times over.

I felt like I was in high school all over again.  I sat back and stared at him and thought "he is my match."

Oh, and it doesn't hurt that he made some damn good Spaghatti Carbonara last night either.

PS This great blog is hosting a giveaway from my etsy shop HERE!  Go sign up to win!  I'm giving away two digital images! ; ) 

The Kiss

Ten years ago today, he came to visit me at the store.

I worked at a kitchen store called "Southern Hospitality."  My Mom's friend owned the store and was kind enough to pay me $8.00 / hr (minimum wage was $5.25 at the time so this was amazing pay).  I worked 10 - 6 and it was a perfect summer job: I could still go out with friends in the evening and still make pretty decent pay.  It was also VERY slow some days.  Hence, inviting this cute boy that I had been instant messaging with lately (yeah, remember AIM?)

He was SMART and HOT.  And to be honest, those were about the only 2 thoughts I had.  I was 17 and those two criteria were good enough for me.

So he sweetly started coming to spend time with me while at work.  He would swim in the mornings (captain of his swim team) and meet me around noon.  Sometimes he would bring me lunch and then we would just talk and enjoy our time together.

And suddenly, within a couple days (seriously, that's all it took) I was pretty darn smitten.  He wasn't just smart and hot.  He was nice.  Kind. Considerate.

He was a keeper. 

I couldn't believe HE was coming to visit ME.  Why me?  He could have ANY girl he wanted at our school.  You know the typical high school TV shows/ movies where there is a boy that is really nice, good looking, and usually dates the cheerleader?  That COULD have been him, had he wanted it to be.

But instead, he was happy being nice, reading books all the time, swimming, and liking ... me.

I didn't get it.  And, it scared me.  But something in me said "don't let it go."

So on June 7th, ten years ago, he came to visit me in the store and immediately, I acted on impulse.  I hadn't planned a thing.  The second I saw him, I wanted to tell him how I felt, but in the only way my 17 year old mind knew how to.  I walked him to the back of the store (so that just in case a customer came they wouldn't see something inappropriate) and he said ...

"Why are you taking me back here?"

It wasn't sarcastic.  It was innocent.  He truly didn't understand.

And I didn't say anything.  I just kissed him.  Kissed him with all the completely non experienced 17 year old passion that I had.

After we finished the kiss he said:

"Oh, that's why."  And we giggled, and held hands.  And kissed again (before hearing the oh so romantic knock from the back door with the UPS man delivering some inventory).

Yet, the kiss ... it was sweet.  It was perfect.

It was our first kiss.  And ten years later, here I am, still kissing Evan.  In love with him more than I would have ever imagined on that June 7th.  10 years ago I wasn't thinking a thing about the future.  I was just thinking about the then, the present.  But wow, oh wow, these 10 years sure have led us to a lot huh?

10 years later, I am still kissing him, this time with passion that I know is real.  And the kisses are EVEN BETTER than I could have imagined.  What a wonderful day June 7th is.   A day I will never, ever forget.  It was the day that formed the most formidable part of my life.

A kiss.

Unforgettable.

The New Ride & My New Fears

We officially did it.  We traded in the "cutesy college car" for the "shaggin wagon."  Yes, I call it the shaggin wagon frequently when in reality it's just a mini-van, but shaggin wagon just sounds cooler, and makes me giggle like an 8th grader.  Don't worry, I'm not disillusioned by what it truly is.

All last week we went test driving.  EVERY SINGLE day.  We would put Liliana in the old, small car, get harassed by car salesmen, and went to four different dealerships.  I know other people take much longer to do their car searches, but since we had quite a restrained budget and knew we would need a used car, the options were more limited.  I'm going to admit, this car buying stuff was overwhelming to me.

Evan kept telling me "what do you think?  This is your car sweety, give me some input.  I want you to be really happy."  But the truth of the matter was, I couldn't process it.  I'm usually so much more of a go getter, but fortunately, Evan stepped up to the reigns and handled the whole thing like a pro.

Bringing a second kiddo in to the world, just the concept of it, is starting to really freak me out.  This happened with my pregnancy with Liliana too.  I just get overwhelmed and stressed: will I be a good Mom to baby #2?  Will I have enough time for Liliana?  Will Gloria get the love she deserves since I obviously will still be caring for Liliana as well?  How will I handle doing all of this by myself since Evan works such long hours?  Am I a bad person for being proud of myself when people ask "oh are you staying home now?" and I respond "no, I don't think being a Mother means you have to stay home."  All of these questions are enough for me ...

And then we added on a car?  A new payment in addition to an extra daycare payment?  A new responsibility?  I mean, both Evan and I got slight raises for next year, but those only cover the car payment.  How will we handle an additional $600 daycare payment? 

Evan was so patient with me as we test drove and I stayed quiet.  I immediately knew I didn't like the Mazda 5.  I didn't feel safe in it.  Safety is a BIG issue for me and one I don't cut back on.  If there is a model with more airbags, we're paying for it.  I think that's a good place to put your money.  That is partially why, when we finally narrowed it down, I wanted a Toyota Sienna.  They have the best crash testing results and if that means we spend a little more (which we didn't b/c we got a fabulous deal), so be it.

Now it was all about narrowing it down.  We found 2 in Conway and 1 in Little Rock that were within budget.  One in Conway had 56,000 miles on it and was fixed up with all the amenities: leather, DVD player etc.  The other in Conway had 43,000 miles on it and had all those fixings too.  The one in Little Rock had 43,000 miles on it, was still VERY nice (top of the line, just not "limited") and was originally listed within $2,000 of the one in Conway.  Our plan was to just see the best deal we could get.  By the time Evan had done all his research (or as our car salesmen said "how many trees did you kill??"), the negotiating wasn't all that bad.

The place in Little Rock gave us a MUCH better deal, it would have been about $4,000 difference just for leather seats, and we decided to be practical.  Those leather seats weren't worth $4,000 to me.  I told Evan I wanted less mileage for sure b/c this car is going to be our everything as a family.  Evan will drive his current car to work, but if we ever go out as a family, my car will be the answer.  This took the 56,000 mile one out of the equation.  The other one with 43,000 on it was 2 years newer, which you would think is a good thing, but it drove much differently and though the amenities were nice, we weren't fond of the way the 2009 drove.

When it was all said and done, we had negotiated a HECK of a deal!  They gave us Kelly Blue Book "excellent" rating for my car (unheard of when trading in), knocked off thousands of dollars off the asking price, and even brought down the financing rate by  nearly 3% because of our AWESOME credit scores (yeah, I was proud of that!). 

When we left, I felt SO much less overwhelmed.  It was the exact opposite.  A HUGE weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  And I smiled, proudly, as we left the dealership in the new (well, new to us) MINI VAN BABY! ; )

We're still fighting over who gets to drive out while we're out and about.  We went to Toys R Us that afternoon and bought Liliana her new playground (that my parents got her for her birthday) and that box was HUGE.  It would have NEVER fit in an SUV, but it slid (tightly, but still fit) in the van.  We've already had this van full of stuff a couple times (let's just say our budget hasn't been doing so well, but our master bedroom makeover is coming along beautifully) and couldn't be happier.

PS Sorry that was probably more than anyone ever cared to read about a new car, but this was a BIG deal to us.  It was the first car we've ever purchased together as a married couple and we did it as a complete and total team.  We never argued and actually had fun throughout the process.  I'm so lucky to have a husband that cared about our safety, our happiness, and most of all, making sure I was happy with our shaggin wagon. ; )

A Minivan Mom?

A couple days ago Evan and I were eating dinner, just talking about life and he mentioned "how are we going to fit the two girls in your car?"  We laughed about it and said "haha they'll NEVER fit in there!" and kept laughing.

And then we kinda just looked at each other and had an "OH SHIT" moment. 

One of those ... why hadn't we thought about this sooner moment.  I'm 30 weeks pregnant and NOW we think about it?

I LOVE / ADORE / WILL CRY if/ when I have to give up my car.  It's my first real car, it took me through my college days, my law school days, and my first two Liliana years.  It's cute, has nice leather seats, a sunroof, GREAT brakes, was the safest package that money could buy, etc.  My parents bought me that car and to me, it was like a Bentley.

She looks like this (this pic is off the internet. this isn't my EXACT car.  Mine has the nice low grade tires):

But fitting two girls in it?  IMPOSSIBLE. 

Evan and I have considered (and still are considering) switching cars.  In other words, I would drive his 4Runner and he would drive the Mazda.  Slight problem though: Evan then wouldn't be able to drive the Mazda if he ever has the two girls with him.  This would involve us having to plan ahead day by day just in case he would have the luxury of picking them up from daycare.  He would still be forced to have both car seats in there because they require different ones since they're very different sizes.  Also, god forbid we EVER have friends try to sit in our cars or have guests come to town.  Even in the 4Runner, with the two big carseats that are on the market these days, I can't fit someone in the middle.  Ridiculous, I know.

So this left us thinking "we need a new car."

This wasn't a concept we had wrapped our heads around.  We originally thought "how about a crossover?"  Something like this:

Then, we realized this was WAY out of our price range (mainly because our budget is ... oh ... ZERO dollars). 

So on Monday, we set out to test drive this puppy, the Mazda 5.

It had quite a few criteria that we were looking for: sliding doors (GREAT for putting kiddos in car), captain chairs (again, GREAT for putting kids in cars and you guys should see how much Liliana loves running through these things), and VERY affordable. 

Slight problem:

I hated it.  I hated the way it drove.  It was too small (with the third row up, it literally touched the window so I had NO storage).  My idea of a crossover was either too expensive, didn't have the captain chairs, or just wasn't practical for me.

What to do what to do ...

Yesterday, we went and test drove one of these. 

Yes, she's 5 years used.  Yes, she's got 45,000 miles on her, but the price was within reason and the car?  JUST what we needed.  Just the right size.  This car was designed for someone with a family.  There are baskets to store stuff in the perfect spots, Liliana has TONS of room to sit (in other words, no kicking our chairs), and the world, while looking like a complete Soccer Mom kind of world, just seemed simpler with it.

We still have LOTS of looking to do.  We're going to go test drive a few more cars, but for now, I think it's relatively safe to say, I might join the minivan world.  Don't know which minivan I'll join it with, but man these ugly things are PRACTICAL!

And while there's nothing wrong with being a Soccer Mom, I am not one.  I am a full-time working Mom with two kids and a husband that works about 90 hours a week.  I just might be a minivan necessity Mommy.  And you know what?  That's a ok with me.

PS Plus, they're called shaggin wagons!! YEAH BABY!!! ; ) 

The Capabilities of Love

This weekend, someone VERY close to me had a very rough weekend (and things will continue to be rough for a while).  I won't name names and I won't go in to detail about it on this blog because it is not my place to do so and it's none of my business to talk about it.  But it made me think about love ... that love is capable of SO much good and sometimes, very bad.

The fact of the matter is that although love is a GLORIOUS thing sometimes, sometimes it HURTS. When things in love are going well, you're on cloud nine.  Isn't it the most amazing feeling to be wrapped up in the arms of someone you adore?  You feel so safe, so secure, and so overwhelmingly fortunate.  I love feeling this.  And I love that the VAST majority of the time, when Evan is home, this is EXACTLY how I feel.  I do feel that I am the luckiest girl in the planet to have the husband I have.  He worked his ASS OFF this weekend, barely slept, had to go to the hospital multiple times for hours in the middle of the night, and somehow still came home wanting to hug me, kiss me, and tell me I was beautiful.  He took a much needed nap yesterday for an hour in the afternoon, and I just sat there looking at him.  Ten years later, I still love doing that.  Admiring him for the Doctor he is, for the husband he is, and for the Daddy he is.  A strong, wonderful individual.

While that part of love is so amazing, there is another part of love that can hurt.  It can sting, can make you cry harder than you've ever imagined, and feel emotions just as strong as the happy ones.  Though, overall, I have been blessed with a beautiful relationship with Evan, I will be the first to admit that we have experienced good times and bad times.  While the good times are GOOD and I think the love envies that of Romeo and Juliet, the bad times SUCK.  In comparison to what other couples go through, the bad times are SO very minimal and we usually are over it within a couple days. We rarely argue, and when we do, we usually come to a resolution quickly.  It actually involves the two of us compromising 99% of the time admitting: "I need to give you a break" while the other says "I could have been trying a little harder."  I think the other secret is ADMITTING your wrong doing.  Though I am a very stubborn person and it usually takes me a couple days to get there, I have told Evan on NUMEROUS occasions "I overreacted, I'm sorry."  But those couple days where I'm angry at him (I would say or vice versa but the guy never gets angry with me ... patient human being ... I am VERY irritating, I promise), I'm not myself.  I feel like a miserable, unlike myself, human being. 

And then there is this other part of love: the love for your children (or children close to you).  And when I'm having a bad day at work, or just being stressed with life, Liliana has consistently put SO many smiles on my face.   And this person very close to me must feel the same because while I was on the phone with her this Friday evening, through her muffled tears she told me "send me pictures of Liliana.  Send me lots of pictures and make me smile because seeing her ALWAYS makes me smile and I need to laugh and smile."  This morning, we were already running a little late to work but then I realized she looked too darn cute in her dress to not take advantage of the outfit. 

Yeah, I get it: THIS kind of picture can make me smile just about any time I need a smile. 

Though I may not see him as often as I'd like, I am so lucky and blessed to love my husband and daughter as much as I do.  I feel surrounded by love when we're at home together and it is a beautiful beautiful thing.

A Failure

I'm not going to lie ... this week has been really tough.  When Evan left the house this morning he told me "this has been my worst week of residency, ever."  And he just might be right.

He has worked SUCH long hours this week and what makes it even harder is there is no end in sight.  I do the best I can, but I am just TIRED.  Not necessarily sleepy (though I am that too) but just TIRED. 

Tired of doing EVERYTHING.  Tired of being a stay at home Mom, and a full time working Mom, and having NO help. 

I'm admittedly getting irritable around others because of it.  When I hear others saying "it's just so hard" I admittedly think in my head "please!  You don't have to work!"  or "Please!  You take your kid to Grandma's three times a week!"  And I HATE thinking like that.  It's a seed of jealousy and that's the truth.  And really and truly, my life is brilliant.  And sometimes that's why it's best to write things out, just like this post, because I haven't been honest enough with myself to think that this entire week.

Instead I've just stewed inside.  This is something I have REALLY tried to rid myself of the last few years.  Like I've posted about many times, I was, deep down an unhappy person in my third year of law school.  This is another post for another day (and one that I just haven't been GUTSY enough to write before), but I went through some depression during my pregnancy with Liliana.  Ironically enough, didn't have one shred of it after delivering (which is much more common than during pregnancy).  Regardless, the day that I cried myself a lake about hating what I was doing with my life, I really tried to become a new person.

A fresher person.  A happier person.  A person more true and honest to herself.  I learned to be happy for others instead of constantly jealous.  I learned to relish the good in life and to not let things get to me as much.

Have I done this perfectly the last 2 years?  OF COURSE NOT.  NOBODY and I repeat NOBODY is free from these types of feelings.

But this past week, I've felt like it's resurfacing.  Not the depression during pregnancy.  I can HAPPILY say I haven't had any this pregnancy and that is something Evan and I discussed MULTIPLE times before getting pregnant this go around.  It's a big part of why I exercise throughout pregnancy.  They say exercise greatly helps with depression and I am LIVING proof of it helping TREMENDOUSLY with it.

When I say resurfacing, I mean just the constant thoughts of "WHEN is this going to end?" "WHEN will Evan actually leave at a decent hour?  WHEN will he get to see his daughter for more than 20 minutes a day (or at all for that matter)?  WHEN will we catch a stinking break?  WHEN will we get to watch a movie together without one of us falling asleep because we have so much on our plates?"

And what makes it really difficult is nobody really understands.  My Aunt does, but she's a counselor for petes sake, so this is her thing.  Every week or so, she sends me a text simply saying "I love you and miss you."  OR she'll at least ACKNOWLEDGE it and say "you both are SO strong!  I can't believe you keep going."  Just having somebody say that ... GOODNESS that goes a long way.  It's her way of saying "hang in there.  This is rough.  You're doing well."  It's not that I need credit.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want somebody playing violins in the background for me.  I just want the simple "we notice" every now and then instead of the "well this is how it goes!"  OR "I had it worse!" OR "does he really work THAT hard?" (all things we've heard btw)

But when people get on Evan about not calling them?  NOT the way to go.  And when you put pressure on us about tiny little details?  NOT the way to go. 

I guess I'm saying, a break would be nice...and not from others really.  The ONLY culprit is residency. 

And the break?  It's not coming.  Evan's on call ALL stinking weekend and he won't see Liliana today (for the third night out of four this week). (caveat: I always mention in these kinds of posts that I know being a surgery residents wife doesn't even compare to what others go through.  I'm sorry.  I just need a space to write out my frustrations too. Please understand).

I feel like a big complainer.  I truly do.  I am so frustrated with my mind and brain for thinking like this.  I LOVE having Liliana.  It's funny because back when she was 13 or 14 months old, I would look at that clock praying for the time to fly by so I could get a break and put her down for sleep. 

Now?  I HATE 8:00.  I hate putting my toddler who love life to the fullest down for night night.  I LOVE spending time with her. She makes me laugh.  She makes the time fly.  She is the light in my life through this and I am so grateful that Liliana has been around this year.  She has been Mommy's rock and she doesn't know it, but she has helped this year become much more tolerable.

I'm not going to lie ... this isn't easy on a marriage.  It's not to say that we've been fighting more than usual.  It's not to say anything.  It's hard to maintain a feeling of closeness when, at best, your only communication is a couple text messages throughout the day.  We text as often as possible, and usually my job is the more flexible in terms of being able to answer texts, but we're still both very busy and it's difficult to find time during the day.  We NEVER get phone calls in during the day, and if we do, it's usually because there is some kind of emergency and we HAVE to communicate.  I think this frustrates Evan because he comes home and I'm tired and moody.  I'm not in the mood to be chipper anymore.  And in turn, that just makes him feel even worse for being gone so much.  There isn't any perfect solution to this.  Our answer?  We stay up entirely too late talking, kissing, and being together and trying to lump 3 hours of quality time in to 30 minutes. 

We try to make the most of the time we have together (for the most part) but when he's working 15/ 16 hour days and when I'm in my third trimester and have worked a full time job, worked out, cooked dinner, folded laundry, made doctor's appointments, decorated a nursery, etc., saying "HI SWEETY!  Look at this 5 course meal that I made for you!" isn't going to happen either.

Our marriage is by NO MEANS in trouble.  It's not that.  It's just that this does suck.  And, this is just the way it is.

Yesterday, Evan got home around 8:00 and like I said, that's Liliana's bed time.  At least he got to see her.  It was a hell of a lot better than arriving a little before 11 pm like the evening before. 

When he got home, she was sitting on her dresser as we were picking out her pajamas.  She EXCLAIMED "DADDY!!!" since she hasn't seen him all week.  She gave us the sincerest look on her face and EMBRACED the two of us, together as a family.  After a few seconds, she pulled away, looked at us IN THE EYES, and went in for another family embrace (four in total).  She initiated it all.  I KNOW in my heart, she was telling us she was glad to have her family together.  And it BROKE MY HEART.  I nearly broke down and cried, though I didn't.

Because I can't.

Because though we keep telling ourselves "this will get better" that's what we said when his new rotation started, and that was 8 weeks ago.  So when I get a text saying "I think today will be a decent day" I don't even get my hopes up anymore.  I still know it won't be. 

And I know the truth of the matter is this is what happens when your husband is a surgeon in his residency.  And YES, before you say I need to be proud of him and be supportive ... I AM!  I find it BEYOND sexy that my husband is a brilliant man that helps people all day.  And I know that this will only be 4 years longer (can I say ONLY for another FOUR FREAKIN years?).  And I am doing MY BEST.

But I'm human.

And I'm working on these feelings right now.  I'm TRYING to work through them.

This week, I'm failing at it.

Learning to Let Things Go

Last week I wrote a post that was pretty difficult to write.  It's not like anything is technically WRONG, it just spoke about the frustrating life of having a husband who is a surgery resident.  I intended it to be one post, be over and done with, and before I knew it I had written the worlds LONGEST post and barely even scratched the surface. 

I don't necessarily have plans to make this topic a regular on my blog, but like I said before, it consumes SO much of our lives and of my mind that I felt like a fraud not writing about it.  More importantly, I WANTED to write about it.  Writing is so cathartic for me.  It helps me truly understand how I feel about things and it just helps me be HONEST with myself.  Sometimes I'll read over the blog months later and laugh at how small some of these details seem now but how BIG they were then.  That's part of life and I'm sick of fearing it.

Last weeks post was all about learning to LET THINGS BE and LETTING THINGS GO. 

This weekend was a PERFECT example of that.  Evan was on call all weekend which meant he was practically gone the entire time. He will be doing his Urology rotation in March and April.  We THOUGHT that meant his schedule would be lighter and hoped as such since he'll be doing ONLY Urology for the next four years.  So far, he has been busier than ANY other rotation this year.  The good news?  He enjoys the field and the work.  SO important.  If you HAVE to be gone all day and night, might as well like your job right?

He was up and at the hospital for about 4 hours on Friday night (broken up in two different cases).  Saturday morning he was at the hospital from 6:30 am - 1:30 pm.  When he got home, he put Liliana down for her nap and took a nap on the livingroom floor while I worked on Liliana's birthday party invitations.  After their nap, we headed out to Kroger to be together as a family for the first time that weekend.  Not two minutes from the house, guess whose pager went off?  BACK he went.

Fortunately, it was a short consult and he joined us for dinner with some friends.  Saturday evening was tough.  He got paged while getting ready for bed and was gone for a few hours.  He didn't have to go back after 2 am, but did get paged multiple times and was back at the hospital by 6:45.  He was able to join us for a big brunch with friends on Sunday and we were hoping the rest of the day would be lovely.  WRONG.  He took another nap while Liliana napped and got paged during his nap.  He left and RIGHT after he left I realized my keys and cell phone were in his car.  In other words, Liliana and I were TRAPPED!  So ... here comes that letting things go motto ...

I had PLANS to go grocery shopping while he was at the hospital.  I do my grocery shopping for the week on Sundays.  I make a weekly menu and we stick to it pretty stringently, even though it's hard to plan our lives much.  I made the most of it doing things that needed to get done around the house, but by the time Evan got home (4 hours later) I was too beat to head to the grocery store.  Fortunately, my husband is an angel, insisted I get a break, took Liliana to the grocery store with him, brought her home, gave her a shower and put her down for sleep, made himself a sandwich, and finally plopped down on the couch with me around 9:30. 

BUSY weekend to say the least.  And like I said, I just have to learn to let things go.  This business of being unable to go grocery shopping would have FREAKED ME OUT before, but now I just know "he probably won't be home for hours so let's be resourceful here," is what we have to do.  And we did.

I missed my husband TERRIBLY this weekend.  It doesn't really feel like weekends when they're gone so much.  It might as well have been a Monday or Tuesday for me.  Even though I don't go to work like I do during the week, I don't get the same feeling of relaxation that I do when we're together.  I'm so lucky that Liliana is an absolute angel and gives me NO problems.  I rarely hold her any longer, mainly because she's 22 months and doesn't require it, but also because she's a BIG girl and it isn't comfortable with my growing pregnancy belly.  She is very independent and if she wants to read a book, she'll go get her book, bring it to me, say "read Mommy!" and plop on my lap.  We have an amazing time together and I love that she keeps me company.

One way that Evan and I have copped with not being able to talk as much as we'd like to is ... believe it or not ... email.  We email each other a few times a day (similar to texting but the texts were getting so long that we reverted back to good 'ol email).  Sometimes they're silly, sometimes they're saying things that I want to make sure I don't forget to let him know (ex: I sent him one today saying "don't call lawn guy, I just left him a voicemail saying we need him to come desparately."), sometimes they're sexy, sometimes they're romantic, etc.  It's just a good way to let the other person know we're thinking of them throughout the day.  Yes, we did this before he started residency, but we do it more than we used to.  We used to text each other daily ... now we WRITE each other.  Talking on the phone isn't an option, so we use the next best thing.  My favorite part about it?  He tells me things such as "i can't wait to tell you the story about _______ later today."  Don't worry people, he NEVER violates HIPAA.  But him emailing to tell me that gets me SO excited just to share some stories with him while lying in bed that evening. 

It sounds like this weekend was all negative.  NOT THE CASE.  We did have some time on Saturday evening before he got paged.  And we did something we haven't done in MONTHS.  We played a board game together! It was actually Evan's idea.  It made us not just watch a TV show or be inactive.  We played for at least an hour and had SUCH a GREAT GREAT time.  We laughed and just shared a nice US time break.  Highly recommend the game because it's for 2 players so couples can have a nice romantic/ fun time.  Great husband right?  Already worked 60 hours in a weekend and still recommending sweet things?  I hit the jackpot.

This game is a good way to keep learning about each other.  I actually commented on how differently our minds worked.  There are certain "categories" that I was horrible at and Evan exceled in.  And then there were some that Evan could just not do and those were my strengths! 

Sharing a different, unique, fun moment like that was the highlight of my weekend.  Hopefully we'll play again next weekend when he's OFF FROM WORK!  That's right TOTALLY OFF from work!  WOO HOO!  Liliana's daycare has their annual easter egg hunt on Saturday and we're ALL going...time to train somebody to find some eggs!!!   ; )

What Our Life is REALLY Like

I've decided to start a series of posts on the REAL us.  I feel like so much of this blog has become superficial.  And while that might be more fun for others to read, the truth of the matter is I'm describing 5% of what goes on in our lives.  The other 95% has finally decided to have a voice.

I started this yesterday and couldn't quite form the words.  I would start it and keep hitting delete over and over again.  I want to write about what I honestly feel inside.  Some people might not like it but the thing is?  I'm writing this for ME. It's cathartic to help me deal with the very stressful way we have been living since July. If it helps someone else going through similar situations, that's gravy baby.

SO ... what I originally thought would be one post will be a series of posts about the real us and how we've managed this year.  This is all about what it's like to be a resident (more specifically a surgery resident) and what it's like to be the spouse of a resident.

I don't know why I haven't written about it.  I think I didn't want to sound like a complainer because I realize we are so blessed Evan received a Urology residency spot when there are literally hundreds of medical students each year that don't match to Urology at all, much less get their first choice.  I also don't want to sound weak.  It's a hard adjustment for me but I feel horrible complaining when I know there are military families out there that don't see their spouses for a year.

But I just had to write about it.  This is the real us.  This is what life is like for us on a daily basis and while writing about my belly or a mobile in the corner of a room is definitely more fun to write about, it isn't the real stuff. 

I've learned some things in these 10 months of him being a resident.  I have not at all mastered the things I have learned, but I am adjusting.  I think I'll be adjusting until he finishes residency and then we'll adjust to the new norm. 

The first thing I had to learn:

You will HAVE to let some things go.

One thing that is VERY frustrating about Evan's residency is the lack of normalcy in our lives.  On any given day, I have NO absolute idea what time he'll be headed home.  For instance, it sure is hard to plan dinners when I don't even know if he'll be home at all.  If people invite us out to dinner on any given day, I NEVER promise he'll attend b/c 90% of the time, he wouldn't be able to make it.  Sure I would love to have my husband's company and to feel like a family, but I know it just isn't the reality. 

Let's look at this week for instance: on Monday night, he got home late (around 8 pm after working a 14.5 hour day) but was on call.  He got a call at 9 pm and had to head back to the hospital.  He didn't return until about 1 am.  He got another call at 2 am and returned by 3 am this time.  He got yet ANOTHER call at 4 am and since he had to be back at 6 am anyway, he knew he wouldn't be coming back home.  Therefore, I didn't see him that day.  When he kissed me goodbye at 4 am after having been gone all night I would be lying if I didn't say I had some tears in my eyes.  I try not to show him how sad I am.  I try to act like Liliana and I are strong, but we do have our moments of weakness.  We do miss him tremendously.  I cry less often than I used to.  That's for sure.  I've grown accustomed to eating dinner on my own with Liliana.  As she grows it has gotten easier because she truly keeps me company now.  And even though I have made GREAT friends here, there is nothing like the company of your best friend to get you through the days and nights.

Tuesday during the day, he was BEAT because he had to work all day and I was dead tired too!  Having him come in to bed to just get a loud page less than an hour later gets tiring.  Tuesday, he was home at 6 pm, only worked 12 hours, and we had a lovely evening together ... well, except for the fact that we fell asleep nearly immediately after putting Liliana to sleep because we were so sleepy!  That's the thing.  When you finally are off, you just want to sleep.  Last night, he got home at 8 pm again and was on call.  He didn't have to leave this time!  HOORAY!  Having the last two nights to cuddle in bed and sleep together was glorious.  He did get paged a few times and that's always a damper on watching the new airing of Psych (one of our favorites) but I will gladly take the kind of night that we had on Wednesday versus Monday.  So that's how this week went.  As you can see, completely and totally unpredictable.  It changes DAY by DAY. 

And being a spouse through it all?

I'm obviously the one that always takes Liliana to and from daycare.  Our daycare obviously isn't open 24 hours a day and plus, I would miss her too much if I relied on Evan to get her.  I get Liliana ready every morning and never have help with that.  I'm not trying to sound like a complainer, and I'm sorry that this post does sound like that.  I'm just saying it does get tiring.  Sure everynow and then, I would love to just head to work.  To not have to think about getting breakfast ready everyday.  To just have no responsibility other than heading to work.  Or just to have somebody else wake her up (even though that is one of my favorite moments of the day because she's adorable when you wake her up).  After dropping her off, I head to work and inevitably every day at work I have some personal business that has to get done.  I hate admitting that, but for instance, this week it's taxes.  I filed our federal taxes over spring break but have to submit our state taxes by paper and that takes more time.  It takes phone calls in to the IRS etc.  I can't call when I get home from work because they're closed!  Getting stuff done is difficult when you work full-time so I have to fit it in somehow while still working.  Usually this means I stay later at work to get everything accomplished and that's ok.  Just, like I've said, gets tiring.

I can't rely on Evan to do these things because the boy doesn't even have time to use the restroom during the day.  He rarely gets to eat lunch.  And plus, why would I have him call anyway?  He's in Surgery often or seeing patients constantly so if somebody did have to call him back, he couldn't answer. He tries his HARDEST to help when he can.  When he worked nights, our house had SO much work done to it because he wanted to do his part.  He always mentions that.  I know he's doing what he can and I'm frankly amazed at what he does get accomplished.  I tell him all the time that I don't have his strength and that he is inspiring getting it all done, still being an excellent father, a resident, and a husband.  It's incredible really. That being said, this has been a HUGE adjustment for me.  Evan and I have been a 50/50 couple since day 1 with parenting and household decisions.  It is HARD being the full-time everything: work, Mom, and stay-at-home responsibilities.  It has been hard to do this ...

TO LET GO.

That's what I've had to do.  Our laundry always gets done, but the laundry often sits in the dryer overnight without being folded (as it is right now) because I'm simply too damn tired to fold it.  I wanted to get all taxes DONE and in the mail on Monday.  I still haven't had Evan sign them.  This is just the way of things.  It gets done eventually.  Maybe not as quickly or as effectively as I'd like, but this is the new norm and will be for 4 more years (yes he chose a 5 year residency! DARN him. j/k).  I'm LEARNING to let these things happen.  It's not easy. 

I'm not going to lie.  I get frustrated with the situation often.  I feel like his career is what dictates our lives while mine is just kinda sitting there.  I work full-time and Evan ALWAYS asks how my day was, but on a VERY rare occassion does my career truly affect our lives.  If I have a late meeting, I know I can't rely on him to get Liliana.  I know it's up to me to figure something out.  This does get old and I know it's not his fault.  I know that this training is ESSENTIAL to his being an excellent doctor.  And he is.  And I am so proud of him.

For now, the way I think about it is: I don't let it run my life as much.  I used to sit around at home waiting for him to give me an ETA.  Now, I just go do things that need to get done.  If he gets out early, Liliana and I run home to spend time with him.  This rarely happens however.  We like to joke that when i do finally leave to head to the gym, he's home 45 minutes later.  If I wouldn't head to the gym, he would be stuck at the hospital until midnight.  So when he calls and I'm on the treadmill, I boost up that speed, finish my workout earlier, and go give him a sweaty hug.  It's the way it has to be.  And it's the REAL us.

It's Over.

One of the things I don't like about blogging is that it's not private.  While I do like sharing stories, recipes, and ideas and seeing them on others blogs, it's also hard sometimes because the things that are really close to my heart have to stay hidden.

That's what has been going on the last 6 weeks. 

I have barely seen Evan the last six weeks.  When I say barely, I mean it. 

You see, Evan was on night float the last 6 weeks.  And truly, it sucked.  So bad.

So bare with me, I'm going to be complaining and WHINE a ton on this blog post, but it's been building for 6 weeks .... sorry.

Night float is a system where in the residents go in around 5 pm and come home around 6:30 am.  They usually have one night off over the weekend and that was our saving grace.  That one night every 2 weeks.  We lived for it.

Don't know if you're aware of this, but this 5 pm to 6:30 am schedule is kinda the exact OPPOSITE schedule of most working people's schedules. 

For the last six weeks, this has been our routine:

I RUSH out of work right at 4 o'clock so that I can get home around 4:20.  Evan leaves the house around 4:30.  Ten minutes of quality family time right there.  Actually usually it consisted of Liliana struggling with the fact that Daddy was leaving again and us trying to calm her down.  She HATES it when he gets his keys.  In fact, our daughter now calls keys "bye byes."  Isn't that sad?  We've tried teaching her llaves (Spanish for keys) but in her mind, they're the thing that Daddy picks up when it's time to go for the evening. 

After Evan would leave, Liliana and I would have our evenings together.  Fortunately the girl was AMAZING the last 6 weeks.  We have (KNOCK ON WOOD!) made it through this ENTIRE season without Liliana even getting a fever.  Strongest immune system I'm telling you.  The girl is in daycare every single day and her daycare was infultrated with some pretty serious stuff this year.  She came out unscathed somehow.  So usually Liliana and I would have a snack (sharing a little Kraft Macaroni and an apple), play and read book after book after book, and around 6 o'clock, we would head to the gym 3 times a week.  After that it was usually bath then bed.  By the time that I would come downstairs, eat my own dinner, and clean up around the house I was EXHAUSTED. 

I was essentially a single Mom and let me tell you, I respect women that do it.  SO stinking much.  When I would sit down around 8:30, I just wanted to not get up. 

The roughest part of it all?  I slept like SHIT the entire time.  And yes, shit is the correct word.  I woke up AT LEAST once an hour the ENTIRE 6 weeks.  I have been exhausted because I've never gotten in to my REM cycles. 

I don't know exactly why I sleep so poorly when Evan is gone.  My body is tired, my mind is tired, and I even take a sleeping pill as an anti-nausea medication but still, I wake up often.  I could usually fall asleep around midnight, but I wake up at six every morning and would wake up around 6 times a night.  Do the math and that's not enough sleep for a pregnant lady!  I'm pretty convinced that's why I got sick a few weeks ago.  Lack of sleep really messes with the body.

I'm just used to his arms cuddling me and being by myself TERRIFIES me.  I worried people were in the house and all these stupid overdramatic things.  Sure we have a kick butt alarm in our house, but I still don't like people knowing when he's not home so I couldn't share.

Evan would usually get home RIGHT as my alarm was going off in the morning (or sometimes while I was in the shower getting ready for work).  At this point, he would crash for about 30 minutes and then would wake up again so he could get Liliana ready for the day and make my breakfast.  It was another 10 minutes we got together.

So far, we're at 20 minutes a day.  And that's all she wrote.  BLAH.

But today is March 1st.  And nights are DONE.  FOREVER!  FOREVER!  Yes, that's right.  I get to sleep in Evan's nook and be a happy wife and we get to be a happy family.  YAY!  To make things evern better, Evan is doing his Urology rotation this month which he, naturally, is REALLY excited for.  The worst of this Surgery intern year is OVER.  AMAZING.

Evan worked last night and transitioned straight to days today.  In other words, he hasn't slept for over 24 hours.  But tonight when I get home from work, we will have dinner TOGETHER as a family, put Liliana to bed as a FAMILY, and fall asleep (probably 30 minutes after because we're both BEAT!) together as a HAPPY couple. 

: )

A Romantic Blast from the Past

Back in the day I used to have a hotmail account that I used on a regular basis.  I've been a gmail girl for years now, but hotmail used to be my domain. 

Yesterday I started browsing some of these emails (that thanks to junk mail have accumulated to thousands).  On the left I saw a tab entitled "My Evan."


I had completely forgotten about it.  And I pressed it.  And the tears flowed.

My husband and I have been together for 10 years.  We still occasionally email each other sweet nothings or "I love you because" emails.

Yesterday, I found the FIRST email he ever sent me.  We had started dating FIVE DAYS  before he wrote this.  We were SEVENTEEN, so excuse the use of "u" instead of "you" and the awkward parts where he acted ... well ... 17. 

But seeing what he wrote?   Seeing that he KNEW we were meant to be together only five days in to our relationship, and at 17? (a junior in high school)  I think we give a new meaning to the word soulmates.  Behold:

ok, i'm not sure u understand how i feel about u, and it's my fault because i'm awful at these kinds of things.  . honestly(this probably sounds cliched) i've never felt so strongly about anyone before.  i know this is right for me, i've finally found the girl of my dreams. i've always thought teenage relationships were just something u did because u might as well, they didn't mean anything. .. well that has changed, this means soo much to me. i would give every moment to u if u would let me.

remember saturday i got "dressed up" and combed my hair to go see u? well my friends were wondering what the occasion was when i got to the swim meet, and i told them i just went to sit with u at work, u should have seen their faces, they were asking me if i was alright, it was pretty funny... anyways

sorry it was so jumbled, i just typed as things came in to my head, i didn't come close to describing how special u r to me

Isn't this one of the most adorable things you've ever read?  The beautiful part of it?  I have PAGES of these love notes ... PAGES and PAGES. 

Fast forward to when we were a long distance couple while he lived in Ohio and I was already at Texas A&M (mind you, we were only EIGHTEEN when he wrote this one):

You alone hold the key to my heart. You have opened it up and now all I feel is our love. We are truly meant for eachother. Nothing else will suffice. We are stronger than ever now and more in love. But just wait until next semester. Then we will come to understand what it is to be true companions.

Yours always and forever,

Evan (your future husband)

 study well my scholar, hold me in your heart always.

He always calls me his scholar because he says I'm the most studious person he knows.  He ended up transfering that semester, just as his email suggested.  But even when we lived one building away from each other, the emails didn't stop ...  He wrote me this after my Grandmother (Tata) passed away and I couldn't go to the funeral because I had 3 midterms that day.  My Grandma was a very special woman to the two of us (that's why if we have a girl, her name will be Gloria after my Grandma):

I know today will be tough for you, but try to remember that as soon
as I'm out of lab I will be by your side to hold you and comfort you.
I miss Tata too, she was a very special woman to me and she always
treated me with such love. I know she loved you and continues to do
so and she would only want you to be happy. I love you and don't
hesitate to ask me for anything.

Could he have texted me this?  Could he have waited an hour to tell me this in person?  Of course.  But that's not my husband.  My husband always wants me smiling.  And, this email?  It made me smile on a tough day.  While we were engaged, the romantic emails flowed even more!

It's hard to believe, but I have spent the last four years falling in love with you and yet I continue to be amazed by the depth of my love for you every day. It is such an incredible feeling to look at you and see what a beautiful woman you are and what a beautiful person you are. I love every last thing about you. From your toes to your hair, I find all of you wondrous. Beyond your physical beauty though I have come to find your strength and intelligence a crutch to lean on when I'm not as strong as I'd like to be.  I love you more than ever. 

 Happy First Anniversary as an engaged couple,

Your Fiancee, Evan

And finally, as a married couple I still get emails that make me smile.  He always lets me know how much our love means to him.  And although I try to do the same, I don't think I'll ever catch up with him.  He is my true, one and only, and reading through these old emails?  It's just about the best hour I've spent in a LONG LONG time.

Making it SUNNY for him

Since we've moved to Little Rock, we've been in love with just about every single thing.  It turns out we had to find ONE thing we weren't crazy about right?

I mean, the trees are stunning, there is SO much more to do as a family and as a couple, the restaurants are nice, the daycare is stupendous, the housing market is totally affordable but fun, etc. etc. 

Well turns out, in order to have those gorgeous trees you need rain.  And it also turns out that rain, at this time of year, comes at a drizzly pace a few days every single week. 

Evan's hours are pretty miserable as it is, but when you leave the house at 4:30 am (pitch dark) and leave the hospital around 6:30 - 7:00 pm (pitch dark) you never see the sun.  And quite a few times, all he sees is rain and black. 

Over the last few days, I've noticed this has truly brought his spirits down.  I know he's sick of being in that hospital, and I know he's sick of not seeing daylight.  He's sick of just cold and dreary.  And the fact of the matter is that even during the day, it has been quite dreary.  But, at least in my huge massive office at work, I have these big windows where I SEE the dreariness.  Evan only sees the black sky. 

To make matters worse, since I have been feeling under the weather lately (turns out, I had pink eye and a cold! yuck!) he comes home to a wife that doesn't feel well and hasn't had much home-cooked food.  Usually, when he comes home I try to make the house as welcoming as possible. I usually have dinner either ready, or being made, I try to have all the  Christmas lights on, and sometimes I even have fun music playing in the background.  I want it to be his haven when he arrives.

But since last week opening my eyes was pretty painful, most of this didn't get done. Except the Christmas lights ... that I do the second I get home! ; )  Work has been really busy for me lately because we're smack in the middle of finals.  This means I had to write my final and grade my papers, but in addition, I had to organize how 30 students with accomodations were going to get their finals, their extended time, have people reading the tests or writing if needed, etc. 

Last night, as Evan flopped on the couch to start folding our Christmas letter, I could sense that he was really down in the dumps.  I brought it up and his words completely and utterly BROKE MY HEART:

"With me being gone so much, it just doesn't feel like Christmas."

To you, that probably isn't a big deal.  But in our house, this was like a woman saying "I don't care if I ever get another pair of shoes again!" 

Christmas is a big deal in the Lacefield home.  It is our favorite holiday as a family and we celebrate it and decorate with SO many smiles.  We are the opposite of bahumbug.  We send out Christmas cards every year, always have lights outside and inside, and decorate TOGETHER while drinking hot chocolate and watching Elf.  So the fact that it didn't feel like Christmas really showed me how truly down in the dumps he is!

I think he realized I was concerned because this morning, in his usual perfect husband ways, he sent me a text that said:

"Good morning!  I am going to try to be positive and happy.  I love you Cristina, YOU ARE my sunshine to make me happy."

And the sad thing about ALL of this, is that I don't have a way of fixing it!  It broke my heart when he said "you're my sunshine."  In other words, it doesn't matter if it's dreary outside, I have the sun in you.  But how do I make it sunny?

How do I make it feel like Christmas when he's working so much and seeing so many families in pain while at the hospital?

The good news is he works Saturday morning but is OFF Saturday night and Sunday all day.  Therefore, I have TWO days to show him Christmas.  Since I'm feeling much better lately, I will have more energy to convince him of this by:

(1) Singing Christmas songs
(2) Having Christmas songs on constantly
(3) Making my spice Christmas drink
(4) Make and decorate sugar cookies with Liliana
(5) Watching Love Actually
(5) Any other ideas that pop in to your head or mine?

I just can't have my wonderful husband feeling blue.  He is Liliana and I's rock!  I don't know how he does what he does ... working those hours, seeing so much pain and suffering during the day, and coming home and never complaining for a second of it.  We are so thankful for him and it is our turn to give in return!

 BRING ON THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT!!!

Something to Look Forward To ...

Evan is on a really busy rotation this month.  In November, we got spoiled.  He had to be at the hospital at 7 most days and was usually home by 6. Sure we had our occasional 5 am calls and late nights, but he saw Liliana everyday but one that month.  That is a record for sure! 

Then December hit and BAM, back to the life we were accustomed to.

He didn't see Liliana a few days last week because he leaves EVERY SINGLE DAY at 4:30 and was getting home around 8.  During the week, Liliana goes to bed around 7:30 since I wake her up around 7 to head to work. 

On the days he doesn't see Liliana, my husband is a totally different person.  I try my absolute best to be positive for him.  I tell him all the new things that she's doing and take videos, but they're not the same.

Last week, Liliana was going through her teething bit and I must admit, it was a tough week at home.  I've been feeling under the weather with a really sore throat and painfully dry eyes.  Somehow, Liliana hasn't contracted this never-ending cold.  She has the world's best immune system I swear ... AND ... she wasn't breastfed, so take that people that made me feel bad about it!

So this weekend, I would be lying if I didn't say I was dreading the weekend.  Evan worked over 25 hours and was gone pretty much the entire time.  And I knew that dealing with a fussy baby while I was feeling sick was going to be really rough.

I tried to plan lots of things for Liliana and I to do.  For instance, we went to the Wonder Place (this BIG play space for kids 3 and under in Little Rock.  It is a heaven sent amazing place!), we went to a used toy store, we went to the mall, we bought new towels at TJMaxx, and we even stopped in at Target (no weekend would be complete without a Target run). 

And you know what?  We totally survived!  Liliana must have ended her teething stage around 10 o'clock on Saturday morning because the rest of the weekend she was her glorious normal happy self!  She didn't fuss or bother for 1 second, she was happily playing by herself when I needed a break, and she was just a complete and total breeze.  It's like she almost KNEW that Mommy didn't have 100% to give. 

To make things EVEN BETTER, when at the used toy store, we found EXACTLY what Santa was bringing Liliana.  We had bought it for $29 and here it was $6!!!!  I already returned the other one and Liliana obviously likes it just as much:

I live in a world of "I need to look forward to something."  And what is that?

This upcoming weekend, my husband isn't on call.  Sure, he'll probably have to go to the hospital (when does he not?) but he'll be home by noon AT THE LATEST both Saturday and Sunday.  We don't have much planned, intentionally.  We will relax.  We will watch movies.  We will sit in our new couches that we're going to pick up today (yipee!) and we will be a family.  And it will be fabulous.

Yes, I realize it's only Monday.  But sometimes, a girl just has to look forward to something.

Marriage Isn't Easy!

These last two weeks have been very challenging in our house.  Evan has been working ridiculously long hours and I have felt stressed doing the rest.  It's a challenge to manage everything while keeping smiles on our faces.

I think I should preface this post with saying that I don't really know how I'm going to write it, nor do I want anything to think that Evan and I are having marital problems!  We are not!  We are simply having to learn how to adjust to this life ... this life where Evan is VERY rarely home, where I am working long hours myself, and where I am quite frankly in charge of EVERYTHING else. 

 Evan and I have always handled stress brilliantly in our relationship.  We tackled both of us in law school and medical school, with my being pregnant, and six figures in debt without a shouting match ever.  But this lask week, it has been hard to keep a happy face on when he gets home because I am so unhappy with how little he is home and so unhappy with all the familial responsibilities that fall on my shoulder.  And I feel pretty stupid getting mad at him when he tells me about the day he has had: "well, I spent 3 hours suturing this guys head back together."  Seriously?  I don't think I have room to complain after that!  he is doing SO much good in this world, literally saving lives, and I am complaining because I have to do the grocery shopping every single time?  Someone (ME) needs to get off her high horse.

To make matters worse, when Evan DOES get home, he won't let me lift a finger. I know he feels horribly for being gone so long, but when I'm dealing with the stress that a home brings, and with a baby that gets quite fussy in the evenings, I can't help but think "GRRRR, why doesn't HE ever have to deal with any of this?  Why is it that I am the one that has to handle all the family and house situations?  Why does that responsibility so often fall to the female?"

  Evan is gone EXTREMELY early in the morning (by 4:30 at the latest) and works VERY LONG days.  In fact, MOST days, he doesn't even get to see Liliana which has been difficult for the both of us.  When he does get home, he tip toes in to her room and watches her sleep which simply breaks my heart.  On the days that he has seen her (which has never been for over an hour), he tells me things like "hey, she's saying no no no to everything now!"  And I don't MEAN to sound rude, but I tell him "yeah, she's been doing that for almost a week now."  When I say it, I don't realize how much that must hurt, but he brought that up the other night.  I had never realized how much that must sting.  For some fathers, that's not a big deal, but for a dad like Evan that has been beyond outstanding, I know he is missing his family. 

Let me give you a play by play of Wednesday night.  I have been pretty darn bogged down at work but took an hour out of my work day dealing with a health insurance bill that we got that has mistakes all over it.  I called a billion offices, got no where, and was incredibly frustrated.  I needed Evan to give me some information that I was unaware of and texted him.  I didn't hear back for over four hours, so naturally I was frustrated and he responds saying "I'm sorry, I was in a surgery for a lady that needed her leg cut off in an emergency surgery."  What the hell am I supposed to say to that?  I realize that when it comes down to it, he does have the more "high stress" and "important" job.  I also realize that this general surgery year is only going to be ONE year and we won't see the emergency surgeries nearly as much in Urology, but still, it gets old.  He did what he could to give me the information, but I am still, as I type this, no where with handling this bill.  And that responsibility, just like all others, fall to me.

After work, I get a quick work out in, go home and wait for an hour when I get the text I'm used to getting now "babe, I am so sorry but I have to stay here longer.  We haven't even started rounding on our patients.  I won't get to see her again.  I miss you two so much.  I am miserable.  I love you."

Well, I can't get mad at that right?  I mean, I know he doesn't WANT to be working this much.  I also know that this is how residency goes.  This is what EVERY SINGLE general surgery resident is going through.  But I also know that when I'm at home, it isn't easy!

At home, I make dinner, and then Liliana and I eat.  She gets extremely tired so I put her to bed, then I go downstairs, clean the kitchen, the house, start doing some laundry and eventually a very exhausted Evan comes home.

I try to do sweet things like make him his favorite brownies (which I did do this week and I plan on posting the recipe soon).  But I am so irritable and sad about the way the days have been going that unless he thanks me a trillion times over, I say he's not appreciating everything I do.

The truth of the matter?  We both aren't appreciating what the other person does enough.  We don't freaking HAVE TIME to appreciate it enough! 

Last night, he finally got home at a GREAT hour and only worked a 14 hour day (yes, that's a good day people).  He played with Liliana and our night together was fabulous. We for the first time in nearly 2 weeks got a chance to talk about things, our day, and eventually fell asleep at 9:30!  Lame right?  But it was nice.  It was nice just cuddling and falling asleep on the couch.  It was nice to get a glimpse of how life will be once again.

I don't really know how to FIX this residency, time, parenting, household responsibility dilemma that we have going here, and lord knows that I have been snappier and more irritable towards my husband in the last two weeks than I should be. I think, quite frankly, it's because I miss him.

PS I should also mention that this entire week I was/ am on my period.  TMI? Deal with it people!  I only have my period 3 times a year and it had to come this week, which definitely makes me pissy! Craps and bloating? Yuck.

For now though ... our solution?

Saturday, (as in tomorrow) Evan is off from work!  WOO HOO and bless the lord!  We are spending the entire day togehter as a FAMILY, going to a family reunion, and then in the late afternoon, Evan's aunt is taking Liliana so we can go to dinner and see a movie (the Help).  She's even keeping Liliana over night so we can have a nice night to ourselves.  I think it'll do us a world of good.  But then, come Monday it's starting ALL over again ... have I mentioned how excited I am for July 1, 2012?  We have a countdown on his phone.  That's when general surgery is done and Urology begins. 

I never thought I would want Evan looking at penises all day so badly! ; )

My Best Marriage Advice

This Friday at Kelly's Korner is share your best marriage advice.  I have only been married for a little over 4 years so I'm aware I'm not an expert.  However, I didn't see a caveat that said we could only contribute if we had been married for over 20, so here goes.

My answers for best marriage advice might be a tad bit unconventional, but the more and more I thought about it, the more I couldn't decide between the two things that came to mind: (1) be silly, and (2) the importance of "cuddling" with your spouse!

Recently, I saw this quote and absolutely fell in love with it:

This quote kind of summarizes BOTH of my marriage advices!    

Let's start with #1: BE SILLY

Life is too serious for you to incorporate too much seriousness in your marriage as well!  Evan and I make a HUGE point in our life to have fun and be silly.  Yes, we obviously accomplish a lot, but we love to sit back and be silly as well.  We laugh together... ALL the time.  There is NEVER a quiet moment in our household.

I don't think there is EVER a day that we aren't cracking up together over a dorky comment someone made, or because we're rolling around with Liliana all tickling each other.  Being silly involves things such as mentioning HOW MUCH we have to do and deciding spontaneously to go out to Target and waste an hour instead.

This?  We do this all the time.  We'll be on our way to run an errand and one of us will say "yumm...cupcake..." and before you know it, we've gone to our favorite cupcake shop, had a great time, and didn't run our errand.  Being silly. 


It keeps your love FRESH and at the end of the day, it's simply FUN.  Marriage should be FUN!!!

NOW cover your eyes if you don't want to read #2: cuddle time

Now I'm not going to get in to too many details here at all...my main point with this one is that couples need to take the time to be together, just them two and I think this falls to the wayside when children and more stress come in to the picture! I know life gets stressful, trust me, my husband works approximately 95 hours a week...but you surely have 30 minutes to at the VERY LEAST cuddle without distractions getting in the way.

The best part about the intimacy  It's truly the ONLY time in the day where it's just YOU TWO.  You aren't looking at your cell phone, or checking your email, or worrying about the kids.  It's just you two.  So when things get stressful later, you can look back at those moments and don't get as upset with each other because you know that you guys do indeed have a true connection.  This connection should be SUCH a priority.  Sure sometimes you can't just be lying in bed intertwined all day long because you have things to do, but sometimes when you can, cuddle for hours!  It's the best!

Like I said earlier, I know I've only been married for over 4 years (together for almost 10) but those 4 years have been filled with things that could break many couples ... we both endured law school and medical school, we had a baby, and we have been in debt our entire marriage, but we are so very happy to be married.  We NEVER fight over money, we have fun together, we "cuddle" lots and lots, and we respect each other (we both think the other person is the smarter person in the relationship...something my Dad always says is key to marriage and he's been married for 40 years, so I'll take that advice!).

I can honestly say that marriage, for me, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  I adore my husband and am so fortunate to have him as my best friend.  He is, by far, my favorite person in the world.

24 Hours of US Time

A couple weeks ago, Evan's Mom came to town for Evan and I to have a romantic getaway.  We had an AMAZING time together.  I knew that 24 hours of just us was needed, but I had no idea how needed until we hit the highway.

The second we left the house, Evan gave me a pair of "road trip" sunglasses and pulled out a bottle of wine.  We listened loudly to music, held hands, kissed (unsafe while driving I know), got a little bit lost (oops, that was my fault, I can't read maps) and finally arrived.

We went to Hot Springs together, which is about 45 minutes away from Little Rock.  Hot Springs is best known for its pure water ... the tap water is absolutely delicious! It's the oldest federal reserve in the USA and probably most famous for "bath house row."  People used to think these waters had healing power. I'll let you know if they work or not ... 

 Our Bed and Breakfast.  It was SO cute!

 Our AWESOME room ... right when you walk in to the room, a HUGE Jacuzzi.

 The COMFY bed.  It was SO tall, we had to climb up some stairs to get in.

After we checked in to the hotel and relaxed for a while, we went out to see the town.

 Behind me is the famous row of bathhouses.  They were SO pretty!  

I made Evan take some other pictures of me later because I realized I looked naked in this picture.  I know it's a romantic getaway and all, but that was for the privacy of our nice bedroom!
ALSO, like my cool "road trip" sunglasses?

 Quawpaw Bathhouse.  Where we took our "healing power" bath.

 The happy couple having fun on their 24 hour getaway.

 Handsome hubby!  Pretty springs all around ...

See I told you I was wearing clothes! (well at this point in the 24 hour period, haha)

After walking around for a good while, we went back and enjoyed our Jacuzzi.  It was so nice and relaxing.  We opened the bottle of wine Evan brought and talked while giving each other massages.  Reeks of romance huh?

We went out to dinner then came back and watched a Jennifer Aniston movie called Love Happens.  Have you guys ever seen it?  It was excellent but SO very sad! 

It's about dealing with a spouse's death.  So of course, I started crying and telling Evan I could never live if anything happened to him, etc.  UGH, it was SO very sad!

The next morning, we had breakfast brought in to our bedroom.  It was yummy, but we had to leave quickly because our "healing power" bath was scheduled for 11 am.

We showed up, paid our $45, and here was what was waiting for us ...

Yep, one big hot tub.  One remarkably similar to the one in our bed and breakfast room! 

Haha ... so Evan and I took a naked bath for $45 bucks.  Most expensive bath of my entire life!  We laughed it off and had a great time anyway.

The last thing we did?  Eat again! (of course)

The Food Network listed one place in each state to eat breakfast and in Arkansas, they chose the Pancake Shop in Hot Springs.  It was absolutely freaking awesome!  I got Banana Pancakes and Evan got sausage and eggs.  I highly recommend!

The fancy Food Network sign.

Taking 24 hours for us was so needed.  We had the best time together.  Even though it was a short 24 hours, and even though Liliana is such an amazing baby and we have tons of us time every evening, being just us two again was nice.