The Possibility of Being Excited is Beyond Scary

I've been really reluctant to post about my subject today. I have a huge fear of failure. I don't want to admit how badly I want a job after I graduate...especially one I'm proud of. But in all honesty, I would feel like the biggest failure if I graduated and six months later, was staying at home with Liliana. I could have done the same thing without going to law school. I would feel like I let myself down, I let the school down (what a waste of a scholarship), I let my husband down, and you know what, like I let my daughter down. I want her to be proud of her mama...and I know that being a lawyer isn't going to do that, but if I'm a confident person, I'll be happier and more successful in life (not just a money thing, just life in general). Those qualities make it easier to be proud of me. I want her to know that the world is her limit. She can do whatever she wants. I worked for my goals, and I want her to know she can work towards hers, whatever they are.

So here goes...

I've been working at a firm here in Lubbock since July. I interviewed with them through OCI and was beyond thrilled when he called to say that they chose me out of thirty applicants! Out of thirty...I couldn't believe it. These people had better grades and I thought I had bombed my interview, but he saw something, and I was hooked with this place (not to mention the pay was more than I had made in my life, so Evan started calling me his sugar mama immediately and that lasted until August, which I gotta admit, felt pretty damn good). They worked me hard over the summer, but I was in heaven. I finally felt "lawyerly" and when I came home, I was beaming...I had seen so much, done so much, and challenged myself so much. I was happy. So I, very timidly and after millions of dry runs in my head, asked the hiring partner if I could stay on throughout the school year as a third year law clerk. After all that deliberation in my head, he said yes without a problem.

Once the fall semester started, I told them I was interested in an associate position after graduation and they told me they would consider it at their partner meetings (held once a month). Some things to note: there are 8 partners - all male, all white. I definitely stand out like a sore thumb at the firm, but I'm happy there. I could see myself there. I asked all the other associates when they were hired, and they said between April and June, so I realize I still have so much time left to wait...but it's hard.

When I told one of the partners I was pregnant, he offered a very quiet Congratulations and I never heard anything about it again, still haven't really. Not one partner has congratulated me (not that I expect people to be proud of it or anything, but ignoring it, I dunno, doesn't seem right either. I don't know what the right response is, I'm just typing my thoughts). I had to take two days off last semester when I had some spotting and was put on bed rest. So of course, all I thought those two days was how much this was killing my job chances, which truly, is unfair. It sucks being a girl sometimes.

This semester started and I asked them the status of my chances and the prognosis wasn't good. They don't know if they have the money to hire an associate this upcoming year, which is incredibly common with law in the United States. In fact, I had honestly expected to hear a flat out NO as most firms are doing in Houston and Dallas (heard of hiring freezes?). I went home rather defeated, but at least had started coming around to the fact that most likely, coupled with the pregnancy and their lack of enthusiasm (and yes, I'm aware this is against the law if they consider it, but if law school has taught me anything, it's that the law isn't always followed, so I better start learning how to deal with this retribution now), I would have to search for a job elsewhere. Last years graduating class had a 36% hired rate after graduation, so I would just have to do what the great majority of law students have to do...live off of absolutely NO MONEY until you get licensed in November (yes, that's 6 months after graduation) and start job hunting.

Well, this week, things changed. One of the female associates got another job and is leaving the firm. They didn't know this when they told me that the money might not be there and of course, they have more work that will need to be done by someone. Plus, she does probate work (my favorite!). This could potentially, be my dream job, but I don't know if her leaving chances anything.

SO, here I am again, with the hope I had months ago...and I don't know what to do. Do I go in a couple months and ask again what my chances are? Do I go ask them sooner? Do I put in EVEN MORE hours at the firm so they can forget my huge belly and notice how hard I work? Is that worth it? My mind tells me not to get excited, but I can't help it. In the mean time, I've possibly set myself up for a huge feeling of failure. When that happens and they officially tell me NO (which won't be for a while and which, to be honest, I think is what will happen), I'll write a blog post hating myself for writing this one in the first place, and I'll feel like a failure.

But you know, life works in funny ways...if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be (or so I'll keep telling myself right?). I know I'll get a job somewhere. It doesn't HAVE to be there. I'll just have to search...but that'll happen at a later time.