Friday, April 16, 2010

"We Just Don't Have the Business"

Today sucks.  There's just no other way to put it.

I finally heard from the firm that I've been working for since July.  And, I know that I kept saying the chances didn't look good, but when you finally sucked.  I officially heard the, "The partners met and we decided we just don't have enough business to hire another associate."

It sucked.

I am in such a shitty mood about it all.  Like I said, I know that I had said the chances were small.  But for some reason, it just really sucks to hear it.  I'm so freaking disappointed in myself.  I don't particularly know there was anything else I could have done, but I'm still disappointed.  Chances are I'm going to graduate from law school, be a J.D., have a doctorate, and be unemployed.  This isn't how I had planned my life. 

I don't want to be a stay at home Mom.

I know many people want to be and I think that's commendable and great.  But, I really think this is a personal decision.  I will have an entire blog post about this some time.  But for now, these are just the thoughts going through my head.  I don't want to be a stay at home Mother.  I don't think I would be happy doing it.  I want to practice law and be proud of MYSELF when the day is said and done.

And right now, I'm not feeling very proud of myself...not one bit.

There are still options out there.  This isn't the end of the job road for me.  I have a few applications out there and one of them that's really promising, so maybe I should just focus on that today so that I won't start crying in class. 

but first, I have to pee because Liliana has the hiccups and I think she keeps hitting my right back...

And then there's moments like the above where I smiled AND she's not even born yet.  I just need to keep telling myself everything will be ok.  And I know I'm pregnant and I'm so blessed to be, but the pregnancy is an US thing.  Evan and I did that together.  What about me? 

I want to be happy with MYSELF and proud of MYSELF.  Graduating from law school doesn't mean shit if I'm not employed.  I'm not proud of myself for just graduating.  If anything, I'm more disappointed becuase I AM graduating, and I have NOTHING to show for it. 

I am really hard on myself.  I realize that.  It's just the way I am.  Most people aren't nearlly this upset to hear a "no" or to be unemployed or to be staying at home with their bundle of joy.  Again, I'm hard on myself.  Probably TOO hard on myself.  It's a flaw I have.  But it's a flaw that has helped me in life because I've always gotten what I wanted...until now.

Enough negative thinking right?  Again, I have other options out there and especially one of them is promising, the pay is pretty damn good (about the same that I would have made at the firm), and I would be very happy there.  However, I don't want to type about it just yet because that seems to be bad luck.

To the positive.  I'm REALLY looking foward to this weekend.  Thanks goodness, Kristen and Darren are coming into town today to spend some time with us and we're gonna go out for dinner and come home and relax.  It will be really nice to be with great friends.  It'll be a time to get our mind off things and just hang out together. Then on Saturday, we have the birthing class and then the Lubbock baby shower.  It'll be a great couple of days, and I need it.

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