Raw Emotion Today

Last week I realized something.  I made the right decision.  I've known it for a long time, but I've had to convince myself a few times when people give me looks after I say "I went to law school but decided to get an unconventional job with it."  After this week, I say it with pride.  I look at people who judge and say "psh, you're probably just jealous."

Making the decision to not practice in a law firm after I was so obnoxious all through law school was a humbling experience.  I felt so vulnerable.  I knew people would have lots to say under their breath.  To be quite honest, I didn't like the person I became through law school.  I was constantly bitter, constantly stressed, and frankly unhappy.  Looking back on it, I became a very unlikeable person.   When all you are is stressed, you just get mad at people around you that seem happy.  Don't know if that's common, but that's how I react.  I found it hard to be happy for others, which is truly such a shame.  I'm ashamed to say I became that for a while.

Even through my pregnancy, my main thought was: "will I get a job as an associate somewhere?"  I was unreasonably selfish and frantic about the stupidest thing.

The evening that I finally took the plunge and decided to work in an academic setting, I had a few people not agree with my decision.  However, the majority of people, especially my husband, knew it was right.  I immediately felt SUCH a relief.  I think some people thought I was giving up working.  Quite on the contrary.  Like I've said many times on this blog, I've always known staying at home isn't the life I want.  I think it works wonders for some people, but I just can't give up all the hard work through college and law school.  Plus, if I told you my hours this week, you would know that isn't the case.  I was at the office about 45 hours this week, not to mention the 15 hours I worked at home.  It isn't anywhere near my husband's hours (poor guy) but still not a walk in the park by any means.

While working at the middle school all last year I felt happy but still felt somewhat unfulfilled.  I was so fortunate to land a job within 1 week of having my application out so I didn't complain.  The kids at the middle school taught me patience.  The staff taught me resilience.  But I knew that wasn't my goal.  I knew I wanted a position with more autonomy.  I really wanted a position that required initiative.

And that's exactly what I have here.  Again, I was so lucky to easily get this job.  I sent out a blind email looking for any position and the head of school wrote back with a myriad of possibilities for me.  For starters, I really enjoy working with the older students (most of them are about 17 or 18).  I feel like I can relate to them more and I remember so well what they're going through.  I also enjoy that I do get to teach a course.  Yes it's time consuming and yes teaching Economics is difficult, but I think the students enjoy our time together.  Another part of my job that I love is being the Director of Upper School Academic Achievement.  I get the privilege of talking with parents and with students and trying to help them succeed here so they can go to the best college possible.  Whether that means organization skills, test accommodations, or test-taking strategies, I am SO very busy handling all of this.  Some days I forget that I had to pee!

Funny thing is ... I wouldn't want it any other way.  And I know I won't love the job every single day.  I know some days will be tough and some days I'll say "uggh I hate this," but every job has their cons. 

For the first time since my big decision last summer, I can with 100% certainty say, I made the right choice for myself.  And for the first time in a VERY FREAKING LONG time I can say (without sounding too cocky) I am PROUD of myself.