A Failure

I'm not going to lie ... this week has been really tough.  When Evan left the house this morning he told me "this has been my worst week of residency, ever."  And he just might be right.

He has worked SUCH long hours this week and what makes it even harder is there is no end in sight.  I do the best I can, but I am just TIRED.  Not necessarily sleepy (though I am that too) but just TIRED. 

Tired of doing EVERYTHING.  Tired of being a stay at home Mom, and a full time working Mom, and having NO help. 

I'm admittedly getting irritable around others because of it.  When I hear others saying "it's just so hard" I admittedly think in my head "please!  You don't have to work!"  or "Please!  You take your kid to Grandma's three times a week!"  And I HATE thinking like that.  It's a seed of jealousy and that's the truth.  And really and truly, my life is brilliant.  And sometimes that's why it's best to write things out, just like this post, because I haven't been honest enough with myself to think that this entire week.

Instead I've just stewed inside.  This is something I have REALLY tried to rid myself of the last few years.  Like I've posted about many times, I was, deep down an unhappy person in my third year of law school.  This is another post for another day (and one that I just haven't been GUTSY enough to write before), but I went through some depression during my pregnancy with Liliana.  Ironically enough, didn't have one shred of it after delivering (which is much more common than during pregnancy).  Regardless, the day that I cried myself a lake about hating what I was doing with my life, I really tried to become a new person.

A fresher person.  A happier person.  A person more true and honest to herself.  I learned to be happy for others instead of constantly jealous.  I learned to relish the good in life and to not let things get to me as much.

Have I done this perfectly the last 2 years?  OF COURSE NOT.  NOBODY and I repeat NOBODY is free from these types of feelings.

But this past week, I've felt like it's resurfacing.  Not the depression during pregnancy.  I can HAPPILY say I haven't had any this pregnancy and that is something Evan and I discussed MULTIPLE times before getting pregnant this go around.  It's a big part of why I exercise throughout pregnancy.  They say exercise greatly helps with depression and I am LIVING proof of it helping TREMENDOUSLY with it.

When I say resurfacing, I mean just the constant thoughts of "WHEN is this going to end?" "WHEN will Evan actually leave at a decent hour?  WHEN will he get to see his daughter for more than 20 minutes a day (or at all for that matter)?  WHEN will we catch a stinking break?  WHEN will we get to watch a movie together without one of us falling asleep because we have so much on our plates?"

And what makes it really difficult is nobody really understands.  My Aunt does, but she's a counselor for petes sake, so this is her thing.  Every week or so, she sends me a text simply saying "I love you and miss you."  OR she'll at least ACKNOWLEDGE it and say "you both are SO strong!  I can't believe you keep going."  Just having somebody say that ... GOODNESS that goes a long way.  It's her way of saying "hang in there.  This is rough.  You're doing well."  It's not that I need credit.  It's hard to explain.  I don't want somebody playing violins in the background for me.  I just want the simple "we notice" every now and then instead of the "well this is how it goes!"  OR "I had it worse!" OR "does he really work THAT hard?" (all things we've heard btw)

But when people get on Evan about not calling them?  NOT the way to go.  And when you put pressure on us about tiny little details?  NOT the way to go. 

I guess I'm saying, a break would be nice...and not from others really.  The ONLY culprit is residency. 

And the break?  It's not coming.  Evan's on call ALL stinking weekend and he won't see Liliana today (for the third night out of four this week). (caveat: I always mention in these kinds of posts that I know being a surgery residents wife doesn't even compare to what others go through.  I'm sorry.  I just need a space to write out my frustrations too. Please understand).

I feel like a big complainer.  I truly do.  I am so frustrated with my mind and brain for thinking like this.  I LOVE having Liliana.  It's funny because back when she was 13 or 14 months old, I would look at that clock praying for the time to fly by so I could get a break and put her down for sleep. 

Now?  I HATE 8:00.  I hate putting my toddler who love life to the fullest down for night night.  I LOVE spending time with her. She makes me laugh.  She makes the time fly.  She is the light in my life through this and I am so grateful that Liliana has been around this year.  She has been Mommy's rock and she doesn't know it, but she has helped this year become much more tolerable.

I'm not going to lie ... this isn't easy on a marriage.  It's not to say that we've been fighting more than usual.  It's not to say anything.  It's hard to maintain a feeling of closeness when, at best, your only communication is a couple text messages throughout the day.  We text as often as possible, and usually my job is the more flexible in terms of being able to answer texts, but we're still both very busy and it's difficult to find time during the day.  We NEVER get phone calls in during the day, and if we do, it's usually because there is some kind of emergency and we HAVE to communicate.  I think this frustrates Evan because he comes home and I'm tired and moody.  I'm not in the mood to be chipper anymore.  And in turn, that just makes him feel even worse for being gone so much.  There isn't any perfect solution to this.  Our answer?  We stay up entirely too late talking, kissing, and being together and trying to lump 3 hours of quality time in to 30 minutes. 

We try to make the most of the time we have together (for the most part) but when he's working 15/ 16 hour days and when I'm in my third trimester and have worked a full time job, worked out, cooked dinner, folded laundry, made doctor's appointments, decorated a nursery, etc., saying "HI SWEETY!  Look at this 5 course meal that I made for you!" isn't going to happen either.

Our marriage is by NO MEANS in trouble.  It's not that.  It's just that this does suck.  And, this is just the way it is.

Yesterday, Evan got home around 8:00 and like I said, that's Liliana's bed time.  At least he got to see her.  It was a hell of a lot better than arriving a little before 11 pm like the evening before. 

When he got home, she was sitting on her dresser as we were picking out her pajamas.  She EXCLAIMED "DADDY!!!" since she hasn't seen him all week.  She gave us the sincerest look on her face and EMBRACED the two of us, together as a family.  After a few seconds, she pulled away, looked at us IN THE EYES, and went in for another family embrace (four in total).  She initiated it all.  I KNOW in my heart, she was telling us she was glad to have her family together.  And it BROKE MY HEART.  I nearly broke down and cried, though I didn't.

Because I can't.

Because though we keep telling ourselves "this will get better" that's what we said when his new rotation started, and that was 8 weeks ago.  So when I get a text saying "I think today will be a decent day" I don't even get my hopes up anymore.  I still know it won't be. 

And I know the truth of the matter is this is what happens when your husband is a surgeon in his residency.  And YES, before you say I need to be proud of him and be supportive ... I AM!  I find it BEYOND sexy that my husband is a brilliant man that helps people all day.  And I know that this will only be 4 years longer (can I say ONLY for another FOUR FREAKIN years?).  And I am doing MY BEST.

But I'm human.

And I'm working on these feelings right now.  I'm TRYING to work through them.

This week, I'm failing at it.