April 12th

April 12th is one of those days where I feel like crawling into a hole.  Today marks 18 years since the death of my brother Carlos.  I was only 7 when it happened.  But you know how people always say "kids know more than you realize?"  That's true.  I remember so much.  I have so many vivid memories of that evening.  I will not type them all.  I can't.  It's too painful to think of.  I apologize, in advance, for how jumbled this post will be.  My mind is obviously full of a million things on a day like today.

The evening of April 12th, I remember we were at a church event when we were told something was wrong.  I remember I was on the trampoline and I was so young, so I didn't want to go home.  But the parts I remember most were how much pain my family was in.  That's what makes me cry every year.

My brother Carlos was brilliant.  I mean that.  One of the most vivid memories I have of him was when he won Grand Prize at the State Science Fair.  His project was over frogs and their hearing.  I don't really know what else...you could probably try and explain it to me now, and I still wouldn't understand it.  I'm telling you, the kid was brilliant.  Anyway, I remember when he won the prize and went up to the stage to get his award, he was so happy.  He ran down and had his arms up in the air.  I remember that moment so well.  I try to remember him like that.

Evan has been there for me through this day for 8 years now.  He's heard the whole story a thousand times.  He has cried with me a thousand times.  I've had so many people tell me, including my Mom, that Evan reminds her so much of Carlos.  Maybe that's why she's so crazy about him.  I think that's also why my Mom was so calm about me finding the man of my dreams at 17.  Most parents grow scared of that concept (with reason).  But, both of my parents always were calm about it.  I think they knew it was meant to be.  I had never thought of this, but maybe that's why.

Last night, Evan was grilling some porkchops for dinner and I was inside getting some cheese fondue ready (totally off topic, but that recipe rocks.  I will do a posting on some of my favorite recipes some day.  That one will be on there).  He came in and my eyes were all puffy.  Evan doesn't even have to say much anymore.  He just comes up to me and holds me and we cry. 

I told Evan that I can't imagine how often Danny and my parents think about him.  Just thinking of their pain makes me cry.  I love my family so damn much.  My brother and I have this relationship...we're close.  There's really no other way to put that.  We know that things can be taken from you.  We know that we're so lucky to still have each other.  We know that if we EVER need each other, we'd be there in a heart beat.  After my husband and my daughter, Danny's my heart.  Don't get me wrong, of course I adore my parents.  They are just amazing.  But Danny has been so much to me.  He has brought so much life to my days.  Some of my happiest memories are with him.

Thank goodness, Evan's not on call today.  Some years I barely talk about it on a day like today.  I had a huge meltdown last night, so maybe today, I wont' want to talk about it more.  I can't ever tell.  Regardless, today won't be easy.

I miss Carlos.  I wonder ALL THE TIME what our holidays would be like with him around.  I wonder who he would have become.  I am so glad I was able to have him as my brother, even if for only a short 7 years.