Today marks the 19th anniversary of my brother's death.
I hate April 12th. It's a day I dread all year long. I know that, for the most part, starting on April 11th, I'll be a basketcase. And this year was no exception.
Knowing how much pain my family has endured causes me to be in pain for them. My Mother was driving the car and SAW her son pass. Her 13 year old son. Her brilliant son. Her son that was going to be a world famous scientist. Her son, my brother, the one that always WANTED to babysit his 6 year old younger sister.
The pain that she must feel ... I can't imagine it. And for the last two days, I've been crying not so much because he is gone (although that of course makes me cry), but mainly because I can't imagine the pain she as gone through.
I've only been a mother for 10 1/2 months. And if anything would happen to my daughter? I think I would die inside. I really do. I would never be the same person again. A smile would be forced. I would never genuienly laugh again.
And while I see EVERY SINGLE day that my Mom lives with this pain, she somehow has endured. She is such a strong woman. Sometimes, she's too strong. Sometimes I wish she would feel more comfortable to break out and cry with us. But I know she's trying to be strong for all of us...because she's our Mamma bear.
I often wonder what he would be like. I wonder what our holidays would be like. I wonder how he would have reacted to his nieces. I wonder if HE would have had kids himself!
I've cried this year more than normal. I had a severe headache last night from all the tears. And fortunately my husband just holds me and lets me cry.
Today though, I went to work and tried to be distracted as much as I could. It wasn't the best day of work. I had a kid threaten me and to the best of my knowledge, he was arrested afterwards. Of all days for me to feel vulnerable...
When I got home though, Evan and I watched "Tangled" to help keep my mind off things. It was cute. Did the trick ... even though a few tears still came through. Then we had some sweet friends come over for dinner since they knew today was a tough day. We made a delicious spaghetti dinner and shared some laughs.
On a day like today, I feel like it's important to admit why I've been so adamant and so upset at myself for not fulfilling on my promise to "live for today." Because the fact of the matter is that on any day, your world can fall apart.
And 19 years ago, today, it did.
16 hours ago